Forgot to Mention

Hi Again, Baby,

I forgot to mention that I also got quite the haircut yesterday.

I've been growing my hair out since before I met your dad - so for almost four years now!

Once I had grown it out for about two years, I decided I might as well keep going and just donate it to Locks of Love when it got long enough. Not long after I made that decision, my cousin Renee was diagnosed with cancer, so that only deepened my resolve. I figured it could be a way to honor her (she just celebrated one year of being cancer free, by the way - so amazing!).

I was going to wait until after you arrived to cut it, but it has been driving me nuts lately (plus, I'm going through shampoo like no one's business. Plus, I probably won't have time to go out and get a haircut for quite a while after you're born.), and your dad convinced me to make an appointment for before you arrived. So, Tuesday night, I made the call and scheduled an appointment for Wednesday.

I normally am not attached to my hair that much, but I've been growing it for so long that I actually had a minor panic attack after making the appointment and made your dad measure my hair to see how much I would have left over after donating!

So, yesterday, I donated 10 inches to Locks for Love, and then, in styling my new, much shorter 'do, the stylist cut off another 1-2 inches. I lost about a foot of hair yesterday. So insane!

It feels great, though, and I'm so glad that I was able to donate my hair to such a worthy cause!

What I didn't realize going in was that my salon actually gives quite the discount for donating your hair - who would have thought? I figured they'd just cut it off, give it back to me, and then style it.

No, sir.

They cut it off and then styled it, alright, but they took care of sending it in and handling that portion of the process (which I was glad about, because only after they cut off my ponytails did I realize how creeped out I would be by having to take locks of my own hair home with me!).

Plus, they gave me $45 off of my haircut and spent almost 1 1/2 hours with me!

What a blessing!

Here I was worrying about spending so much on a haircut (normally I go to training stylists, so I don't usually pay more than $10-15 for my haircuts, but this time, since it was such a huge change and I knew that I'd be in lots of pictures after having my haircut, what with you arriving so soon and all, I figured it was worth it to pay full price [$50! Outrageous]), and then in the end, not only did I get more time and attention spent on my hair than usual, but it only cost me $5!

So, if anyone out there is reading this, lives in MN, and is hoping to donate to Locks of Love, check out Juut Salon Spa - definitely the perfect place to do so!

I just feel like a million bucks with my new, freshly-cut, spring-y hairstyle - now I feel officially ready to have some family photos taken when you get here!

Love,

Mom

Awkward Prenatal Appointments & Contractions

Hi Baby,

I know I only wrote to you a few days ago, but we had an awkward and funny experience at our prenatal appointment yesterday that I just had to share with you.

Last week at my 36 week prenatal appointment, my midwife did a cervical check to see if we were making any progress. While there, I asked her if I should expect to have a check done every week, or if that would be it for a while. She told me that we definitely wouldn't do one at the next appointment, but that we might do another one once I reach 38 or 39 weeks, depending on how things are going.

So, yesterday, at my 37 week prenatal appointment, I didn't expect to have a cervical check done. I figured it would be a quick appointment like the rest are, with just having my blood pressure, weight, and fundal height checked, and getting a chance, as always, to listen to your heartbeat for a second.

So, we get to the appointment and the nurse takes my blood pressure and weighs me. Then she tells me, "You're going to go waist-down today so that they can check you." And I said, "Oh, really? Are you sure? At my last appointment, they said that we wouldn't be doing that this week."

"Yes, I'm sure. Once you hit 36 weeks, we have you go waist-down so we can check you every week."

"Okay."

I mean, I wasn't going to argue with her. This is the nurse, for pete's sake. She's much more likely to know what's going on than I am!

So, I head into the exam room, strip down, sit on the table, and wait for the midwife.

Your dad and I chat for a few minutes about how funny it would be if the nurse was wrong, and I really wasn't supposed to be half-naked for the exam today. It would certainly be a story to tell!

In walks the midwife, and sure enough, she looks at me and says something to the effect of, "You just wanted to go waist-down today?"

Oh boy.

Or, as your great-grandpa would say, "Oi vey."

Holy awkward, Batman.

I explained to her that I didn't think I was supposed to, but the nurse insisted. The midwife just kind of chuckled and said, "No, we're not going to check you again this week. It can be kind of disheartening to moms if we check them every week and there isn't much progress. We'll check you again next week."

So, that made for an interesting appointment!

Then, when I laid back for the midwife to measure my stomach and listen to your heartbeat, my stomach was shaped really, really funny. It was all egg-shaped on one side. I figured you just were moving into a silly position, but the midwife said, "Nope - that's a contraction."

Who would've known?

I couldn't feel it AT ALL.

But, now that I know what to look for, I've noticed that I am having tons and tons and tons of braxton hicks contractions (at least, I'm pretty sure they're braxton hicks!).

Sometimes I'll get four or five in a matter of 20 minutes or a half-hour! It's crazy!

Now I'm realizing why it may be difficult to discern real labor from false labor, so I'm hoping for a definite sign when labor actually arrives - like my water breaking, or something along those lines.

Anyway, it looks like my body is doing what it needs to to prepare for your arrival, and I am seriously counting down the days until I get to meet you!

19 days until our EDD!

Love you lots,

Mom

Full-Term

Hi Baby Boy,

Well, we are officially full-term today!

Yay!

I'm so excited, I can hardly stand it!

Now that we're full-term, anytime you decide to come into the world is fine by me. We just had to wait until we hit 37 weeks, or the hospital wouldn't let me attempt a waterbirth, and since I've been really excited about trying a waterbirth, that would've been a bummer.

So, you are in the clear to arrive anytime you want from here on out!

Personally, I'd like to wait until after this Thursday, because then we will be done with all of our prenatal classes. Oh, and your dad is requesting that you start the labor process on a Friday, so he can have as much time with us as possible while taking as few PTO days as possible.

Ultimately, though, we don't care when you come. We're just excited to meet you, whenever you decide you've cooked long enough in there :)

But please don't make us wait until May!

I love, love, love you - congratulations to us both on making it to full-term!

Love,

Mom

Emotional Much?

Hi Baby,

For the first time in this pregnancy, I've felt really, really hormonal the past couple of days.

Seriously, I will just start crying at the oddest times (like when reading something completely unemotional, for example), and I can actually physically feel that it is my pregnancy hormones getting the best of me.

It's a very, very weird feeling to know that I'm going to cry and that there is no reason for it and that there is nothing I can do about it.

It makes me wonder what postpartum will look like! Hopefully the "baby blues" won't get the best of me!

So maybe it's my pregnancy hormones that are making me feel all nostalgic and gushy inside and leading me to write you this letter.

Or maybe not.

Maybe I'd be feeling this way and writing this to you no matter what, with or without hormones.

Either way, I just want you to know how excited I am to meet you. I honestly cannot even express in words how deep my love for you runs. It actually overwhelms me sometimes, to love so very deeply this little, tiny person inside of me whom I've never met face-to-face. It's so true what they say - you can't understand a mother's love unless you experience it firsthand. I'm starting to realize that now. And I really feel ready to be your mother. I know I won't be perfect, but I will be the best mother I can for you.

It's amazing how connected I feel to you, even though I've never truly met you.

Even though I've never seen your face, I feel like I know you.

I feel like I know your personality, I know your characteristics, I know your disposition.

At least, I feel like I know you so much more intimately than anyone else does. After all, you've been inside of me for over 8 months now. And while for at least half of that time, I couldn't feel you move or see how you were changing my body, the 3-4ish months that I have been able to do so have affected me so deeply.

My body is so different now than it was before you. And it will never, ever be the same as it was before you entered my life. Ever. And while a very tiny part of me is a bit sad that my stomach will never, ever be without stretch marks again, most of me is so grateful for that fact.

I actually have physical evidence that you are inside of me. And even after you come out, I will continue to have this physical evidence of the 9 months that we were intimately connected for the rest of my life.

I love that.

I love that I will never, ever be the same as I was before you entered my world.

I love that there will always be a physical reminder of what it was like to have you inside of me, long after you have come out and entered the big, scary, wonderful, terrible "real world."

I don't think I've ever actually mentioned it to anyone before, but I have a physical reminder of your sister on my body, too.

When I was in the hospital miscarrying your sister, they gave me an IV. I had never had an IV before. I honestly have no concept of how long it was in - maybe an hour or so? Maybe longer?

Eventually they took the IV out for obvious reasons, and I didn't think too much of it.

But as my body began to heal physically after losing our first child, that area where they had placed my IV developed a very tiny, round scar - almost too small to notice, definitely too small to even show up in a photo. A reminder of the IV. A reminder of our first child. A reminder of my baby girl and the very short time she was with us.

It's actually comforting for me to have that scar. It reminds me of that experience. Sometimes I feel crazy for missing the little baby that was inside of me for such a short time and that I really, to be honest, didn't feel ready for in the first place. Sometimes I almost start to question if that really happened to me. But when I start to wonder that, I can always look down at my arm and be reminded that it did happen. We did have another baby. We do have another baby.

I actually won't let anyone draw blood from my left arm anymore, because I'm so afraid that they will mess up that scar or make another scar, and then I won't be able to know which scar is which. I'm lucky that both of my arms have good veins, because I only let doctors draw blood from my right arm, now.

It may seem silly, but it's my way of protecting the memory of your sister. I couldn't save her. I couldn't protect her physically. But I can protect her memory.

So, even though my stomach will never look the same again - it will never be quite as flat and shapely and unscathed as it was before - even though it will never be quite as beautiful (at least by society's standards) as it was before, I love my stretch marks. They remind me of you. They will always remind me of you. And, personally, I think that makes my stomach more beautiful than it's ever been before. Just like that little, tiny scar from the IV makes my left arm more beautiful than it ever was before your sister entered our world. I love that my body carries scars from both of my children. We will never be a complete family here on earth. We will never all be together in this lifetime. But, in a way, we will always be together because my body carries the memory of your sister, though she cannot be physically present with us. And even when you someday go off to school or move out of our home to get married, you will still be with your dad and I, too - present in the memories that my scars carry with them.

I mean it when I say that I can't wait to see your face for the first time. I can't wait to see the face of this little child who has stolen my heart and has made me fall completely in love with him. I can hardly stand the fact that I have another 3 weeks before you're due to enter the world. I can hardly stand the wait.

I love you so much more than I can say.

With All My Heart,

Mom

A Good Morning

Hi Little Man,

I had a really good morning this morning. I didn't expect to, because I barely got any sleep last night. But, surprisingly, it was a really good morning.

Your dad and I got to have some quality time together this morning, so that was a pretty nice start to the day.

Then, we had our 36 week appointment. Everything's looking great! According to my midwife, you have dropped, which is AWESOME! I think you dropped about a week or so ago, so here's hoping that it is true that for first time moms, babies drop about 2-4 weeks before labor begins. That would mean that we only have a few weeks left - which means we're right on time and everything is going exactly as it should!

The midwife did the GBS test, so hopefully that will be negative.

She also did a cervical check and said that I'm about 50% effaced and you are between -2 and -1 position. No dilation so far. But I'm still pleased with the progress :)

After that, I went to Walmart to return something and grab a few last-minute hospital bag things. When I was checking out, the cashier was so sweet! She kept asking me all sorts of questions about when I'm due, if I'm excited, what I'm looking forward to, etc. She didn't try to offer advice. She didn't judge. She didn't overstep her bounds and ask any inappropriate questions. She was just nice, and as I left, she wished me the best of luck. And I couldn't help but smile as I walked out of the store.

Smile, because I know that you are safely tucked inside of me.

Smile, because I know that soon - very soon - I will finally get to meet you. Hold you. Kiss you. Give you a bath. Change your diaper. Rock you to sleep. Snuggle you.

Smile, because you have made my world such a beautiful place.

Smile, because I have a son.

I can hardly believe that in just a few short weeks, you will be in my arms. It's incredible.

I can't wait to meet you.

Just last night, we took the tour of the maternity care center at St. Joseph's, where you are going to enter this world. On our last hospital tour, I was by far the least pregnant woman there. This time, I was the most pregnant woman. So weird.

As we were touring the facility, I could hardly keep myself from tearing up, realizing that I will be in that place in only a few weeks to welcome you into the world, into our family, and into my life.

I can't wait until the next time I get to visit St. Joseph's, because the next time I'm there, it will be to meet you.

I love you, Baby Boy.

Love,

Momma

34 weeks

Hi Little One,

In exactly 3 minutes it will be Tuesday. And this Tuesday marks 34 weeks of pregnancy - wow!

That means that we are now officially at the point where my midwife will no longer try to stop the contractions if I go into labor.

That's insane.

It's insane to think that we've reached that milestone.

At this point, whenever I go into labor, you're coming - there's no trying to stop it now.

I certainly don't want you to come yet.

You still need to keep on baking for at least another three weeks. Preferably longer. But at least three more, okay?

Now don't take this the wrong way. I definitely don't want you to come later than six weeks from now! On time or a week or two early would be great in my book.

Just thought you should know what I think, in case you want to pander to my requests.

I'm definitely counting down the days until you arrive, though.

Partially because I can hardly wait to meet this little wiggly character inside of me who has already stolen my heart.

And partially because my back HURTS!

I really don't mean to complain, because I wouldn't trade you for anything.

But I won't lie - I'm looking forward to actually being able to crack my back again once you're born.

Right now, my innards are too crushed with you inside me for me to be able to crack my back. I can barely turn to either side without feeling like my ribs are about to pop out of socket, so I certainly can't turn enough to crack my back.

And my back is really starting to bother me...a lot.

Our bed doesn't help - it's a bit too soft for me, and I usually am sore and stiff by the time I wake up these days.

I honestly am terrified of chiropractors, but I'm so stiff and sore all the time nowadays that I actually have considered facing my fears and making an appointment with one.

Probably the only reason it hasn't happened is because money's very tight right now, and I'm spending any "extra" money we have on preparing for you to arrive!

Speaking of which, I'll be doing LOTS of shopping this week to get all the last minute little things that we need to have before you enter the world (like diaper wipes, for example).

In other news, tomorrow also marks our second birthing class, and I can't wait! I feel like I've just been waiting with bated breath for an entire week for our second class to arrive, so I'm very much looking forward to tomorrow evening.

Your dad is, too.

Every night, he and I read the Bible over you, and the entire time, he rubs my stomach and plays with you and talks to you. Your dad loves you so, so much. He loves to feel you move. He loves to pray over you. He loves to sing to you and talk to you and kiss you and tell you how much he loves you.

He's going to be a great dad. I just know it.

And I love watching him "interact" with you while you're inside me - it makes me all the more excited to see him meet you for the first time!

And it's so nice that he can finally experience a little bit of what I've been experiencing for so long, now that your movements are so strong.

In fact, there are a couple of spots on either side of my ribcage where you like to scrape your foot or knee or some other part of your body across my side, and it really, really, really doesn't feel good. Your dad knows where that spot is, and every time he feels you move there, he looks up at me with an expression that says, "I felt that one! Are you okay? Did it hurt?" It's really a very cute mixed expression - it's partially excited and happy that he felt you move, and partially concerned because he knows that that's a tender spot for me.

Well, Baby, that's about it on this end. Nothing too exciting. Just wanted to update you on our new milestone.

Only a few more milestones to go before you enter this world, and I finally get to meet you!

Love,

Momma

ps...It might sound silly, but every time I hear Adele's "Crazy for You," I think of you and sing along, serenading you as I think excitedly about the upcoming days where I will get to sing you to sleep. I think that just might be "our" song :) I might be crazy, Baby, but "if I am, I'm crazy for you." I love you so much.

Birthing Class

Hi Little Man,

On Tuesday night of this week, your dad and I went to our first birthing class! It seems like a huge milestone to me, because it's a five-week course and I was exactly 33 weeks on the first night of class...which means on the last night of class, I'll be exactly 37 weeks - full term! I can't believe how fast the full-term mark is approaching...it's insane!

Technically, if I look back, it seems like it's been a lot longer than 3 weeks since I turned 30 weeks, but still, that full-term mark is fast approaching, and I love, love, love, love, love it!

I was definitely one of the two most-pregnant women in the class. They don't let you take a class that ends when you are more than 37 weeks pregnant, so we really pretty much cut it as close as possible.

As far as I could tell, there was only one other woman in the class due in April - the rest are due in May or June. So weird!

It feels especially funny, because the last time we did anything like this was when we took a tour of the maternity wing of the hospital in Boston (long before we decided to move). At that tour, I was by far the LEAST-pregnant woman. I was about 14 weeks, I think, and everyone else was in the late-20s to 30s. It's weird to be on the opposite end of the spectrum this time around.

I'll admit, it bothers me a little bit that I'm one of the most pregnant women, because (not that it should matter what anyone else thinks), I hate the idea that the other class members (and there are a lot of them!) will think that we just don't care and procrastinated or something. Anyone who knows anything about me would know that I would never procrastinate something like this. In fact, I probably would have been one of the first in line to sign up for this class, had I known about it sooner! But alas, because of the nature of our move being so late in my pregnancy and so last-minute, it caused us to sign up later than I would have hoped for the class. I guess it ultimately doesn't matter, because I should just be grateful that they had an opening in the class and we're able to take it at all, but I feel like I should explain myself to the other mothers so they don't think I'm a slacker!

The class itself was good...like I said, larger than I expected. So far, we haven't really learned anything that I didn't already know from the hours of research and the three books that I've been reading concerning labor and delivery. BUT, the second half of the class was all about practicing relaxation and breathing techniques, and that was AWESOME! Again, not a ton of new information there (in theatre classes, like I've taken in the past, you often use relaxation and breathing techniques similar to those used in birthing classes as a way to calm yourself and focus), but life has been so stressful recently that it was really nice to actually have an hour set aside to actually use some of those techniques. It really did help me to feel more relaxed. Seriously, if they offered a birthing class that ONLY did that sort of stuff, I'd be all about it!

Your dad definitely enjoyed it, too. I'm glad that the class will be addressing the role of support people in labor and delivery, because both your dad and I want him to be actively involved in your birth, but I'm sure, without having been involved in a birth before, it's hard to know how to be as helpful as possible. This class will help him figure out how he can be as helpful and as active as possible.

The only thing about the class that really surprised me had to do with some of the expectations that women have concerning labor. When we first got to the class, the instructor had women share some of the words, images, and thoughts that come to mind when they hear the word "labor." To be honest, the words that come to mind for me are "peace," "calm," "assurance," "trust," "joy," "excitement," etc. When I think of labor, I think of a soothing, dimly-lit environment with calming music on in the background. I think of trusting my body to know what to do and simply allowing it to work in the way that it was designed by God to work. I think of trusting the process of labor, with the assurance that it was designed by a good, loving God who only wants the best for me. And I think of the end result - namely, you, sweet boy - and the joy and excitement that will come with holding you and seeing your face for the first time. This is what I think of.

Well, maybe I'm nuts (or just really lucky, actually), because there were very few positive images and words that were tossed out there by the other women. Most of them were things like "terrified," "nervous," "pain," and "freaked out." Only a couple of positive words made it onto the board, like "adventure," and only one of the positive words ("life") came from a mom. The rest of the positive words came from the dads and other support people in the room.

The words were so different from mine that I was almost embarrassed to even participate, so I didn't. I could just picture saying my word, "calm" or "peace," and having the heads of 30 people whip around to see who the crazy person in the back of the room is and to assess whether she poses any threat of going psycho at some point during the evening. So, I just kept my words to myself, delighted to know that my picture of labor is not one of being terrified and doubled-over in pain and angry and freaked out. No, not at all.

Of course, there's no way to know how I will react when I do actually go into labor, but at least for now, the idea of labor doesn't cause me any stress or fear. Right now, it just causes me excitement and anticipation. And it doesn't get much better than that! I'm so glad that I can look forward to your birth without any negative emotions, fears, or feelings holding me back from experiencing the complete and total anticipation and joy that I want to feel, that I should feel, when thinking about meeting my son for the very first time.

What a blessing!

I thank God with every fiber of my being that he has given me this assurance. I wouldn't have it without him.

I love you, Baby Boy - keep on growing strong!

Love,

Momma