Forgot to Mention

Happy 20 weeks (& 4 days), Baby! We're over half-way there!

Confused

Hi Baby,

Well, you are really stumping me, Little One!

Every mom that I know told me that when I started feeling you, I would immediately be able to discern that it is actually movement and not my stomach growling or gas or whatever.

Not so, it seems.

Or maybe my maternal instincts are just defective.

Here's the deal:

Between 3-4 weeks ago (that's right, about a month ago), I started experiencing what felt like muscle twitches or spasms in my stomach region. Lots of them.

I quickly wrote it off as my muscles and ligaments just stretching and expanding and such.

I even mentioned it to my midwife when she asked if I had felt any movement yet, and she agreed with me that it wasn't you.

Plus, before that, I had never experience any sort of flutters or goldfish or marbles or any of the other types of feeling that I've been told I would feel first. It was just nothing one day and gazillions of muscle twitches the next.

Fast forward 3-4 weeks (which brings us to yesterday and today).

I'm not so sure any more.

I still haven't felt any flutters, goldfish, or marbles, though I'm constantly on the lookout for them.

And the muscles twitches don't feel any stronger, more consistent, or more frequent.

But last night, your daddy and I were watching a show, and I was sort of half-reclining, and all of a sudden, I saw my stomach move. I could actually see the "muscles twitches" that I was feeling.

So I grabbed your daddy's hand and put it on my stomach, and sure enough, he was able to feel the twitches.

He's convinced that I have been feeling you move all this time and just didn't know it, but it doesn't feel anything like what I was told it would feel like.

And, I'm still less than convinced it's you, because like I said, still no flutters, and the twitches are at the same intensity level and frequency as before. Don't ask me to explain why I can see them now and I couldn't before - I'm just guessing it's because my stomach is bigger, so there's more flesh to move around than before.

pause

Sorry for that short intermission. Right as I was typing that last sentence, my stomach started moving and twitching again...so odd to see my stomach move without my help!

Which reminded me of another couple of reasons I'm not convinced its you: (1) sometimes the twitches will happen in two very separate places at the exact same time (i.e. the very top left corner of my stomach and the very bottom right corner of my stomach); (2) the twitches are usually in the same 6 places, rather than all over the place; (3) sometimes there will be four or five twitches at the exact same spot and then nothing; (4) sometimes there will be four or five twitches at the exact same spot and then four or five twitches in a new spot; (5) it feels nothing like what I've been told your moving would feel like (I know I've already said that one, but I felt it deserved repetition).

So there you have it. I have absolutely no idea if I'm feeling you move or not. I so wish that I knew for sure one way or another.

I'll be so disappointed if I've been wrong all this time and have just missed out on getting to enjoy feeling you move!

And I will feel as though my maternal instincts have failed me...especially after I was so excited by how powerful they were when my gut instinct about your gender was right!

Oh, Little Boy, how I wish I knew if what I am feeling is you.

Our next appointment is on Thursday, so I guess we'll get some more clarity there...hopefully!

Either way, I'm glad your dad was able to feel it - I could tell it just made him fall in love with you all over again. He just kept kissing my stomach, and he told you several times how much he loves you.

So someday, Sweet One, when you think that your daddy doesn't love you because he punished you or wouldn't let you do something you desperately wanted to do, I hope that you can remember this and know how much he does truly, deeply love you - even before ever meeting you.

And I love you, too.

Love,

Momma

ps...I love finally being able to call you by your name, talk about you by name, and pray for you by name! And I love hearing your dad pray for you, too :)

Christmas Spirit

Hi Sweet Little Boy,

I’m already 19 weeks. It’s just crazy. I can’t believe how fast time has gone with you inside me! You’re just making everything seem like it’s going so much faster!

Do you like the blog color-scheme update? Christmas is my very favorite time of year. Honestly, I don’t have much of a reason for it to be, since it always meant lots of family drama for me, but I just love Christmas anyway.

I love snow.

I love cold nights with hot cups of tea or hot chocolate or coffee.

I love snuggling up under a blanket by a fireplace.

I love watching Christmas movies (yes, even the corny ones).

I love listening to (and singing along with) Christmas music.

I love making Christmas cookies and decorating the Christmas tree.

I love what the season stands for – namely, when God’s only Son, Jesus, took flesh upon himself and entered the world in order to bring us, fallen humanity, the possibility of salvation.

And I love the Christmas spirit I see all around me – people being nice to one another, buying gifts for their loved ones, just to show how much they care, and hitting the pause button on their busy lives to spend quality time with their friends and family.

I even love things about the season that most people hate. I love driving in snow (and it’s really not hard to do if you’re careful and use a bit of common sense). I love going Black Friday shopping with all the other crazies who wake up at 3 am to score that awesome deal on the blender that they so desperately need or the camera that they otherwise couldn’t afford to give to their best friend. I love the search to find the perfect gift for those who are dear to me. I even love spending money on my friends and family, as a visible way of showing them my affection (and, as you will probably learn pretty early on, I normally am not one to like spending money, so that’s saying a lot).

I just think Christmas is the most magical time of year.

And you know what? I don’t care if people think I’m crazy or get annoyed at my overzealousness. Because the Christmas season is really the only thing in the world that I still feel child-like wonder towards.

And after the lifetime’s worth of heartbreak and sorrow that I’ve experienced in these twenty-something years, I think I deserve to have ONE thing in life that I am not bitter towards or critical of or cynical about. And the Christmas season…well, that’s my ONE thing. When I had to become an adult at a very young age in every other part of my life, Christmas was (and still is) the one thing where I could still be a child.

So, anyway, I thought that the blog deserved a little Christmas spirit as well, and since I’m not very blogger-savvy, I had to choose from their templates, rather than finding or creating my own. This is the closest I could come to Christmas, so I chose it.

Well, Little Man, that’s about it on this end. I just wanted to share some of my Christmas spirit with you, because I’ve got it in spades. Someday you’ll witness it firsthand.

And, I’m sorry to tell you in advance, you ARE going to have a mom who wears all sorts of annoyingly ugly Christmas sweaters that light up and plays songs. Because THAT’S how much I love Christmas J

And as much as I love Christmas, Little One, I love you so much more.

With All My Love,

Mom