Saturday, August 28, 2010
I am so, so, so relieved, excited, ecstatic, and about thirty other synonyms for "happy" right now!
The test results were great!
I called in yesterday afternoon, and the nurse I've been talking with (who has been really wonderful to work with, Lord bless her) asked me to wait on hold for a minute while she looked up my results.
In the past, it usually took her approximately twelve seconds to get back to me with my results.
Yesterday, I was on hold for about two minutes.
After thirty seconds or so, my stomach began twisting and turning like it does when I have a feeling something bad is going to happen.
I thought to myself, "It's probably taking her so long because my results are bad, and she's working up the strength to tell me that I'm going to have a miscarriage. She's bucking herself up to break the news to me. I shouldn't be doing this at work, especially while I'm supposed to be training someone. How am I going to tell her that I need to go home without breaking down?"
Such trajectories of thought continued for another minute and a half.
I almost decided to just hang up so I wouldn't have to hear her say it.
And then she took me off of hold and told me that she didn't have my progesterone results yet (explaining the delay) but the results for my hCG were, and I quote, "excellent."
She said I should call back in a couple of hours for the results of my progesterone.
I texted the news about my hCG to your dad and told him that we would have to wait until 4:30 for the progesterone results.
But only an hour later, she called me with the news that my progesterone results had just come in. They were, quoting again, "fantastic."
So fantastic, in fact, that they reduced my progesterone intake by 50%.
My hCG is excellent, and my progesterone is fanstatic!
I almost cried as I thanked her on the phone.
I even tearing up now, just writing about it.
Your dad called me at about 4 o'clock, wondering if I had heard anything yet.
Needless to say, he was thrilled with the news - he and I are both SO relieved and SO happy!
He even told you he loves you for the very first time last night when I got home from work. It was so sweet :)
I think he was trying not to get too attached until we got the test results, too.
Not that he wasn't attached before that (same here, for that matter), but I think the positive test results allowed him to let his guard down with you and with this pregnancy.
In fact, I think the positive test results have allowed me to let down my guard with you and this pregnancy.
We love you so much, Baby; we're so excited to welcome you into our family.
And now the week-and-a-half that we have to wait before my first prenatal appointment doesn't seem so far away - so impossible to reach - as it did before.
It actually feels like it's right around the corner!
And right around the corner from my first appointment will be my second appointment, and right around the corner from my second appointment will be the 14-week zone, and right around the corner from the 14-week zone will be the "gender appointment," and so on and so forth until you are finally in my arms - it all seems so within-reach right now.
It all seems so possible.
I feel like the world is my oyster, like I can do anything.
As long as you are safely tucked inside of me and growing away, there are no limits.
We love you, Baby; keep growing strong!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
I have so much to say to you, and at the same time, I don't know what to say.
So I guess I'll just start and see where we end up.
Today I went in for my third (and hopefully final) blood test to see if you are growing like you should and, in particular, if the progesterone supplement is working.
Before today, I was doing really well as far as calmness goes.
I was feeling very peaceful.
I was feeling confident.
It even began to feel normal to think of myself as pregnant.
Yesterday, I even got to tell one of my co-workers about you :)
I already felt like a proud mom bragging about her amazing child.
I wasn't planning on telling any co-workers yet. I mean, I told my boss (who, by the way, is less-than-thrilled about you because this means I will be working less at some point in the future and, therefore, earning him less money...and I couldn't care less that he is less-than-thrilled).
But I wasn't going to tell my co-workers, the people who I care about and who care about me and whose opinions I actually am concerned about, until the fourteen-week mecca.
But she and I were alone and she herself is pregnant. In fact, she's had her fair share of pregnancy issues in the past, which is why I think I felt so comfortable telling her.
When I told her she gave me a huge hug and started crying (which may or may not have been due to pregnancy hormones). She was so excited for us!
She and I are going to the same ob/gyn clinic, so it was nice to get to ask her some things I've been wondering about but couldn't ask before because it would sound suspicious (like if we will listen to the heartbeat on the first visit, which, apparently, we will [or at least we'll try] - yay!).
And, quite frankly, I wanted someone to know that I was pregnant so that, if anything not-good were to happen (don't get any ideas, Baby), someone would be able to understand why I suddenly don't come into work for a while.
I figured I should tell her before anyone else, anyway, since she's the one who takes over my job if I can't come in for any reason...and since she paid me the same courtesy when she found out she was pregnant.
Then we talked for about twenty minutes about all things baby - and it was so fun! It was great to chat about Babies R Us and pregnancy symptoms and our mutual concerns and our mutual joy.
And she also told me that she was put on progesterone during her first trimester and that it really helped. Her pregnancy may not have survived if she hadn't been on those hormones.
So that actually gave me a lot of hope.
I went home feeling pretty good about everything.
And then, today, I got bloodwork done.
And now I'm completely nervous and terrified...and impatient.
I almost called the lab about twenty minutes ago to see if they happened to have the results ready yet, just two hours after getting the test done.
Your daddy and I just want you to be growing strong and healthy so badly.
I honestly don't know if I've ever wanted anything in my life more than I want you, Baby.
I'm so worried that I will call in tomorrow and I will hear the same awful thing that I heard last time, "You lost the baby." Or, worse yet, "You're going to lose the baby, and there's nothing we can do." Except they'll say "fetus." I hate that.
I was really trying to not get too attached to you too quickly, Baby, but you've stolen my heart already.
Please keep growing, Baby; our hearts will break if you don't.
And, not to put any pressure on you or anything, but I've had way more than my fair share of heartbreak already in my life :)
I can't believe that tomorrow marks two full weeks of knowing that you exist.
What a blessing to have life - to have you - growing inside of me!
I'm hoping and praying that tomorrow I get to hear about what a good baby you've been and how you've done lots of growing and developing since my last test.
I love you, I love you, I love you,
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
FYI: For those of you who are just taking a look at my blog, you should read my previous post first. Thanks!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010:
Dear Baby Birk,
Well, you are quite the little surprise!
Before I get into how I found out about you, let me tell you a little bit about the family that you have joined.
Your daddy and I have been married for just over two years. I am 23, and your daddy is 25. We met at Bethel University in St. Paul, MN, where we were both attending college. We’ll tell you the whole story some day, but to make a long story short, we met at the beginning of our junior year through a mutual friend.
The first night we met was one of the most amazing nights of my life. I thought that our mutual friend was interested in your dad, so I was trying to “feel him out” to make sure that he was good enough for her. But it didn’t take long for him and I to get into this wonderful, three-hour-long conversation, where we both shared some of our respective testimonies and what God had been doing in our lives. It was incredible. I don’t know about your dad, but I had never opened up like that with someone I just met. It was so clear that God was present in our conversation and was there in our midst.
Two weeks later, your daddy “asked” me out. I say “asked,” because there really wasn’t much actual asking going on. Really, he pretty much just told me that we should be in a relationship because we were going to get married.
I wasn’t necessarily ready to commit to marriage quite yet (after all, I had never even dated anyone before that!), but I did want to get to know him better and felt very drawn to him. So, in a really awkward and embarrassing way, I said that I agreed that we should be in a relationship. (I’ll fill you in on the sordid details someday when you are a bit older).
Two and a half months later, your dad proposed to me. I was very surprised. I knew he was going to propose within the next few months, but I didn’t expect it quite so soon!
I was nervous about getting engaged and getting married, since I come from a broken home (Lord willing, you will never have to understand how that feels), but I really felt God’s hand on the situation, as did your daddy, so I just decided to trust God and accepted your dad’s proposal.
Five crazy months later, we were married!
Since then, I have discovered the absolute beauty of the marriage covenant. Your daddy and I love each other so deeply; I can’t even put it into words. He is my best friend and my confidante. He is so silly, too – you’ll learn that someday. He makes me laugh all the time, and I love him for that! And, Baby, you should know that he really adores me…and I really adore him. It is so clear to me that God destined us to be together. We love being married to each other and wouldn’t have it any other way.
Which brings me to you, Little One, and your older sister, Leila. Maybe you met her in heaven before you started growing in my tummy?
Your daddy was ready to start trying to have a baby practically the second we got married. He wants to be a father so bad. I, on the other hand, wanted to wait a few years – at least three – before trying for children. Don’t get me wrong, I have always wanted kids – actually, I want a large family, so hopefully someday you will have lots of younger brothers and sisters. But at the time, I was just getting used to the idea of being married, and I wanted time with my husband. Plus, I’ll be honest, I was scared to death of the pain involved in labor!
So, we decided to wait.
But six months later, I was shocked to find out that I was pregnant with your older sister, Leila. Your daddy was completely thrilled when I told him that we were going to have a baby. I didn’t really feel ready, though, and for the first couple days, I was scared to death. But then, quite suddenly, I got very excited to be welcoming a precious child into our family.
And then, a week after I found out I was pregnant, your older sister Leila left my body and went back to heaven to be with Jesus.
From that day on, I wanted to have a baby desperately.
And finally, several months ago, and not quite two years after our miscarriage, your dad and I decided it was time to try again.
We tried for a number of months with no luck.
I took quite a few pregnancy tests in that time, just wishing and hoping that I would see a positive result.
No such luck.
And then, this past week, that all changed.
Last week, your daddy and I were in Milwaukee for my best friend’s (your Aunt Meg’s) wedding. I was the Matron of Honor, and, as such, one of my duties was to give a speech at the reception.
Because we had been trying to get pregnant, though, your daddy told me that I had to have non-alcoholic champagne for the toast, just in case.
Which I thought was ridiculous.
There was no way that I was pregnant!
But he agreed that if I took a test on the day of the wedding and it was negative, I could have real, grown-up champagne.
So, on Thursday of last week, August 12, 2010, I went with Aunt Meg to Target and, while there, I bought a two-pack pregnancy test.
Friday morning, August 13, 2010, I took one of the tests, honestly not expecting (though, of course, hoping and wishing) to see a positive.
But almost immediately, there it was. That beautiful (though faint), blue positive sign.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. I really couldn’t.
I was pregnant!!!
You had already started forming inside of me, and, just like last time I was pregnant, I was amazed that something so precious could have been growing in my tummy without my knowledge.
Your Aunt Meg, who had seen me purchase the pregnancy test, asked me about the result when she woke up that morning, and when she found out I was pregnant, she freaked out! She just kept yelling, “Shut up! Shut up!”
It was so great to share the joyous news with someone who was so excited for me (and for your daddy, and for you)! I think she is looking forward to meeting you almost as much as your daddy and I are.
I felt so blessed that my best friend, rather than feeling as though I was raining on her parade or stealing her thunder, was still able to be genuinely happy for me when I found out about you…even just one day before the most important day of her life - her wedding!
The next morning, I decided to take the other pregnancy test.
I just couldn’t wait to see that positive result again.
And I half expected it to not be there.
I half expected the other test to be a false-positive.
But, praise God, on the morning of Aunt Meg’s wedding, I got to see yet another positive result on a pregnancy test – and this line was even darker than the one the day before was!
Later that day, I told your daddy that it turned out that I did need to have non-alcoholic champagne for the toast after all.
And he was so very happy!
Last week was already shaping up to be a pretty darn good week, what with your Aunt Meg’s wedding and all, but you really put it over the top. It really turned out to be one of the best weeks of my life so far.
We are both over-the-moon excited that you are growing inside of me, Baby!
You are already loved so deeply, and we can’t wait to meet you. I have no idea how I am going to make it another couple weeks before getting to go to my first prenatal doctor’s appointment…and I have even less of an idea of how I am going to make it another nine months (give or take, depending on how long you’ve been hiding in my tummy without me knowing) before I get to hold you and kiss you and snuggle you.
We love you so much, Baby. Please keep growing strong and healthy.
Love, Always and Forever,
Sunday, August 15, 2010
2. I'm sick of drama. That's all I'm going to say about that.
3. I think I'm getting the flu. One of the groomsmen yesterday had a fever, diarrhea, and was throwing up a lot. At least one of those is true for me right now (I will leave it up to you to decide which one), and my whole body just feels tired and achy. Probably because I haven't gotten more than 6 hours of sleep on any given night this week. And probably because yesterday I got up at 6 am (after going to sleep at 1 am) and was non-stop moving in sun and heat and a too-tight dress (making it difficult to breathe) and high-heels until almost 1 am this morning. And even though I'm crazy exhausted, I couldn't sleep any later than 8 am this morning. Probably because my stomach is bothering me. Probably because of the aforementioned possible flu and because of the even-more-aforementioned drama and the gut-churning anxiety that that has caused.
4. I got to see and dance with my husband last night!!! I haven't seen him all week, because while I've been with my best friend doing final wedding details, he's been working non-stop a few hours away from here. It was so nice to finally get to see him and talk with him again.
5. I'm sad that my husband had to go back to work last night after the reception and can't wait for tonight, when he is finally done working and I get to have him all to myself again.
6. I am exhausted. Did I mention that already?
7. I actually am excited to go back home (crazy, since I don't really like living in Boston), because this trip has been tiring. It has been really good up until now, but I'm not looking forward to the next two days...because the next two days are when I have to try to straighten out the drama mentioned earlier. Yuck. At this point, I just want to say, "Screw it all" and give up on my things ever not being dramatic. But I know that's not the right thing to do. It's just frustrating that it doesn't seem like I can ever do anything right. And the blame always rests squarely on me. Pretty impressive, right? Who knew that all the problems in the world were caused by me?
8. I have one more week to finish my summer class, and I am way behind. Yikes!
9. I only got out of bed an hour ago, and I'm already ready for a nap.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Currently, I am sitting in my bedroom (yes, my bedroom) at my best friend's house waiting for her to wake up and tell me what to do to make her life easier.
Because that's what a Matron of Honor does :)
How freakin' awesome is it that I have my own bedroom at her house??? (Well, it's her parents' house I guess...since she'll be moving into her new place in three days).
I keep calling myself the "Maid of Honor" because it is more traditional and sounds better...but she keeps reminding me that I'm a "Matron" not a "Maid." Haha...
She's older than me, so I think she's getting a kick out of the fact that my title makes me sound older.
I just can't believe that my best friend, my "sister from another mister" is getting married in three days!
Anyway, it's been pretty good so far - I'm loving getting to spend this time with her and her family...getting to love on her and to help her enjoy her last few days as a single woman.
I want to make sure that this week is ALL about her, as it should be, and I think, so far, that that's going pretty well :)