Saturday, December 11, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Hi Sweet Little Boy,
I’m already 19 weeks. It’s just crazy. I can’t believe how fast time has gone with you inside me! You’re just making everything seem like it’s going so much faster!
Do you like the blog color-scheme update? Christmas is my very favorite time of year. Honestly, I don’t have much of a reason for it to be, since it always meant lots of family drama for me, but I just love Christmas anyway.
I love snow.
I love cold nights with hot cups of tea or hot chocolate or coffee.
I love snuggling up under a blanket by a fireplace.
I love watching Christmas movies (yes, even the corny ones).
I love listening to (and singing along with) Christmas music.
I love making Christmas cookies and decorating the Christmas tree.
I love what the season stands for – namely, when God’s only Son, Jesus, took flesh upon himself and entered the world in order to bring us, fallen humanity, the possibility of salvation.
And I love the Christmas spirit I see all around me – people being nice to one another, buying gifts for their loved ones, just to show how much they care, and hitting the pause button on their busy lives to spend quality time with their friends and family.
I even love things about the season that most people hate. I love driving in snow (and it’s really not hard to do if you’re careful and use a bit of common sense). I love going Black Friday shopping with all the other crazies who wake up at 3 am to score that awesome deal on the blender that they so desperately need or the camera that they otherwise couldn’t afford to give to their best friend. I love the search to find the perfect gift for those who are dear to me. I even love spending money on my friends and family, as a visible way of showing them my affection (and, as you will probably learn pretty early on, I normally am not one to like spending money, so that’s saying a lot).
I just think Christmas is the most magical time of year.
And you know what? I don’t care if people think I’m crazy or get annoyed at my overzealousness. Because the Christmas season is really the only thing in the world that I still feel child-like wonder towards.
And after the lifetime’s worth of heartbreak and sorrow that I’ve experienced in these twenty-something years, I think I deserve to have ONE thing in life that I am not bitter towards or critical of or cynical about. And the Christmas season…well, that’s my ONE thing. When I had to become an adult at a very young age in every other part of my life, Christmas was (and still is) the one thing where I could still be a child.
So, anyway, I thought that the blog deserved a little Christmas spirit as well, and since I’m not very blogger-savvy, I had to choose from their templates, rather than finding or creating my own. This is the closest I could come to Christmas, so I chose it.
Well, Little Man, that’s about it on this end. I just wanted to share some of my Christmas spirit with you, because I’ve got it in spades. Someday you’ll witness it firsthand.
And, I’m sorry to tell you in advance, you ARE going to have a mom who wears all sorts of annoyingly ugly Christmas sweaters that light up and plays songs. Because THAT’S how much I love Christmas J
And as much as I love Christmas, Little One, I love you so much more.
With All My Love,
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
So it looks like I'm taking back a good amount of what I said in my last note to you.
Turns out you ARE the reason for my clothes being tight!
Now I realize that no one else in the entire world would notice it at this point, because it's still too small, but today, for the first time, I saw it - a tiny baby-bump.
I'm a rather thin lass, so I knew that I would start showing a bit earlier than some, but I didn't think that it would start QUITE this early.
But, at the same time, at our appointment last week, the doctor made it sound like she thought I was even farther along than I thought I was (I thought 9 weeks), which would make me 10 weeks or so, possibly more, this week. So I guess the timing is about right.
My lower stomach has been feeling harder the past few days, which I guess is you growing and starting to take up pretty much all of the room available inside of me before expanding into new territory, but today, for the first time, I saw the beginnings of your expansion.
I can tell exactly where you're going to be making your first appearance.
I do understand that I know my body way better than anyone else, so I also notice these changes first, but I really don't think it's going to be much longer before those who know me well are going to be able to see your expansion, too.
I love that.
I love the fact that I can see the very beginning phases of your growth.
It's very comforting to me, too.
Especially since today was really hard for me.
Today, for the first time in a couple weeks, I started thinking about how I would break the news to my friends and family if I have a miscarriage.
Today, for the first time in a couple weeks, I started wondering how much harder a miscarriage this time around would be, now that I've had a full month to get used to the idea that I'm pregnant, to get excited about being a mommy, to fall in love with you.
I can't imagine what it would be like to feel more sadness than I felt when I had my miscarriage last time I was pregnant...but at the same time, I can't imagine what it would be like to NOT feel more sadness if I miscarried this time around.
Plus, the past two days, my worst two symptoms (the nausea and the bloating) have all but disappeared.
I still have the aversions/cravings thing.
My clothes are still tight.
I'm hoping that the lessening of my nausea is due to the B6 vitamins that my doctor put me on after my appointment and my body getting used to the increase in hormones.
But I'm actually really worried.
"What to Expect" pretty much says if your symptoms disappear, you should worry.
So, I'm worried.
What if you have stopped growing, but my progesterone supplement has not allowed my body to miscarry?
What if we go to our ultrasound appointment on Thursday and there's no heartbeat?
I'm actually more terrified for our ultrasound this Thursday than I have been during almost my entire pregnancy...even than I was before our first prenatal appointment.
I think it's because the ultrasound is so official.
If they had tried to find your heartbeat at our first appointment and couldn't, we could easily avert our fears by saying that I wasn't far enough along to hear your heartbeat.
But if, at the ultrasound, you don't measure as large as you should or if your heart isn't beating, there's no way to spin that to make it positive news.
I'm both incredibly excited and incredibly nervous for Thursday.
I have a feeling the next couple of days are going to go REALLY slowly.
I can't wait to see you for the first time, but I'm so afraid that what we see will be bad news.
In general, I've been really proud of myself for how good I've been at staying positive and confident, but today?
Well, today has been hard.
I haven't even been able to enjoy seeing the beginning of the physical proof of your existence as much as I wish I would let myself.
I love you, Baby Birk.
Please, please, please keep growing.
I don't know what I'll do if you don't.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
I am so, so, so relieved, excited, ecstatic, and about thirty other synonyms for "happy" right now!
The test results were great!
I called in yesterday afternoon, and the nurse I've been talking with (who has been really wonderful to work with, Lord bless her) asked me to wait on hold for a minute while she looked up my results.
In the past, it usually took her approximately twelve seconds to get back to me with my results.
Yesterday, I was on hold for about two minutes.
After thirty seconds or so, my stomach began twisting and turning like it does when I have a feeling something bad is going to happen.
I thought to myself, "It's probably taking her so long because my results are bad, and she's working up the strength to tell me that I'm going to have a miscarriage. She's bucking herself up to break the news to me. I shouldn't be doing this at work, especially while I'm supposed to be training someone. How am I going to tell her that I need to go home without breaking down?"
Such trajectories of thought continued for another minute and a half.
I almost decided to just hang up so I wouldn't have to hear her say it.
And then she took me off of hold and told me that she didn't have my progesterone results yet (explaining the delay) but the results for my hCG were, and I quote, "excellent."
She said I should call back in a couple of hours for the results of my progesterone.
I texted the news about my hCG to your dad and told him that we would have to wait until 4:30 for the progesterone results.
But only an hour later, she called me with the news that my progesterone results had just come in. They were, quoting again, "fantastic."
So fantastic, in fact, that they reduced my progesterone intake by 50%.
My hCG is excellent, and my progesterone is fanstatic!
I almost cried as I thanked her on the phone.
I even tearing up now, just writing about it.
Your dad called me at about 4 o'clock, wondering if I had heard anything yet.
Needless to say, he was thrilled with the news - he and I are both SO relieved and SO happy!
He even told you he loves you for the very first time last night when I got home from work. It was so sweet :)
I think he was trying not to get too attached until we got the test results, too.
Not that he wasn't attached before that (same here, for that matter), but I think the positive test results allowed him to let his guard down with you and with this pregnancy.
In fact, I think the positive test results have allowed me to let down my guard with you and this pregnancy.
We love you so much, Baby; we're so excited to welcome you into our family.
And now the week-and-a-half that we have to wait before my first prenatal appointment doesn't seem so far away - so impossible to reach - as it did before.
It actually feels like it's right around the corner!
And right around the corner from my first appointment will be my second appointment, and right around the corner from my second appointment will be the 14-week zone, and right around the corner from the 14-week zone will be the "gender appointment," and so on and so forth until you are finally in my arms - it all seems so within-reach right now.
It all seems so possible.
I feel like the world is my oyster, like I can do anything.
As long as you are safely tucked inside of me and growing away, there are no limits.
We love you, Baby; keep growing strong!