Thursday, September 23, 2010

My Rainbow, My Hope

Dear Baby,

You may not realize it, but you are my rainbow.

You are my hope.

I found out not long ago that women who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss will often refer to their next pregnancy - their next baby - as a rainbow baby. That baby is the rainbow after the storm that is pregnancy- and infant-loss.

You are certainly my rainbow in that sense.

But, honestly, you are my rainbow in a much deeper, more personal sense, too.

Last year was pretty rough.

There was a lot of stuff that happened that wasn't good.

And your daddy and I had a really hard time adjusting to our new stomping grounds in Boston.

We really missed home.

Well, actually, we still miss home, but we are adjusting better this year, I think.

Anyway, last year, and even the early part of this summer, brought a lot of distress, hopelessness, sadness.

I remember at one point when I was remarkably distraught, praying to God about it.

Your daddy and I had been trying to get pregnant for about 8 months, and nothing had happened.

That was making me lose hope, too.

So one night, when I felt like my world was crumbling around me, I asked God for a sign. I told him that I needed him to show me - to prove to me - that everything would be okay. I told him that we had been trying to get pregnant for 8 months, and we hadn't had any luck. And then I told him that I wanted - I needed - to get pregnant during my next cycle. If I did get pregnant, I would take it as a sign from him that everything would be okay. That your daddy and I would be fine living in Boston, that we would start a family together, that we would grow old together, and that nothing would ever be able to tear us apart. I remember saying, "God, if this is going to work out, if everything is going to be okay, allow me to get pregnant during my next cycle. If I get pregnant, I will take that as a sign, as a promise, that this too shall pass."

And, precious Baby, I did get pregnant during my next cycle - with you.

You, Little One, are that sign from God.

You are God's promise to me that everything is going to be okay.

You are my hope.

Now, with you growing in my tummy, I know that everything is going to be okay.

It won't always be easy, but it will be okay.

It will be better than okay.

So you are my rainbow, Baby - you are my rainbow in more ways than one.

I love you, love you, love you and can't wait to hear your heartbeat again in a few days at our next appointment!



1 comment:

  1. This letter to your baby is just so sweet! I have no doubt that he or she knows just how much you love them already.

    Sometimes a rainbow breaks through the storm just when we need it most.

    I am so excited to hear about your next appointment and all of the plans you have for your little baby. Did your due date change? Is it still in April?

    Take good care of yourself!

    Sending love and prayers...