Monday, September 13, 2010

Just kidding...

Hi Baby,

So it looks like I'm taking back a good amount of what I said in my last note to you.

Turns out you ARE the reason for my clothes being tight!

Now I realize that no one else in the entire world would notice it at this point, because it's still too small, but today, for the first time, I saw it - a tiny baby-bump.

I'm a rather thin lass, so I knew that I would start showing a bit earlier than some, but I didn't think that it would start QUITE this early.

But, at the same time, at our appointment last week, the doctor made it sound like she thought I was even farther along than I thought I was (I thought 9 weeks), which would make me 10 weeks or so, possibly more, this week. So I guess the timing is about right.

My lower stomach has been feeling harder the past few days, which I guess is you growing and starting to take up pretty much all of the room available inside of me before expanding into new territory, but today, for the first time, I saw the beginnings of your expansion.

I can tell exactly where you're going to be making your first appearance.

I do understand that I know my body way better than anyone else, so I also notice these changes first, but I really don't think it's going to be much longer before those who know me well are going to be able to see your expansion, too.

I love that.

I love the fact that I can see the very beginning phases of your growth.

It's very comforting to me, too.

Especially since today was really hard for me.

Today, for the first time in a couple weeks, I started thinking about how I would break the news to my friends and family if I have a miscarriage.

Today, for the first time in a couple weeks, I started wondering how much harder a miscarriage this time around would be, now that I've had a full month to get used to the idea that I'm pregnant, to get excited about being a mommy, to fall in love with you.

I can't imagine what it would be like to feel more sadness than I felt when I had my miscarriage last time I was pregnant...but at the same time, I can't imagine what it would be like to NOT feel more sadness if I miscarried this time around.

Plus, the past two days, my worst two symptoms (the nausea and the bloating) have all but disappeared.

I still have the aversions/cravings thing.

My clothes are still tight.

I'm hoping that the lessening of my nausea is due to the B6 vitamins that my doctor put me on after my appointment and my body getting used to the increase in hormones.

But I'm actually really worried.

"What to Expect" pretty much says if your symptoms disappear, you should worry.

So, I'm worried.

What if you have stopped growing, but my progesterone supplement has not allowed my body to miscarry?

What if we go to our ultrasound appointment on Thursday and there's no heartbeat?

I'm actually more terrified for our ultrasound this Thursday than I have been during almost my entire pregnancy...even than I was before our first prenatal appointment.

I think it's because the ultrasound is so official.

If they had tried to find your heartbeat at our first appointment and couldn't, we could easily avert our fears by saying that I wasn't far enough along to hear your heartbeat.

But if, at the ultrasound, you don't measure as large as you should or if your heart isn't beating, there's no way to spin that to make it positive news.

I'm both incredibly excited and incredibly nervous for Thursday.

I have a feeling the next couple of days are going to go REALLY slowly.

I can't wait to see you for the first time, but I'm so afraid that what we see will be bad news.

In general, I've been really proud of myself for how good I've been at staying positive and confident, but today?

Well, today has been hard.

I haven't even been able to enjoy seeing the beginning of the physical proof of your existence as much as I wish I would let myself.

I love you, Baby Birk.

Please, please, please keep growing.

I don't know what I'll do if you don't.

Love Always,



  1. Only a couple more days until your ultrasound! You must be so excited (and nervous). There is nothing like seeing your little baby for the first time.

    For me, the days this week are taking so long - my ultrasound is on Monday. I bet the days are long for you too.

    It is fun to suddenly feel your belly getting harder and poking out a bit - my belly is finally sticking out a tiny bit, but not enough for anyone to notice yet.

    Don't worry about the disappearing symptom thing. I know that's hard to do - but there is one thing I've learned about pregnancy. Things come and go - and by the time you are getting used to one thing, it disappears. And it will sometimes reappear a few days later!

    Sending prayers and hugs to you and your little baby - can't wait for an update!

  2. Hey Erin - I've had you on my mind all day! I hope the ultrasound went well... can't wait to hear an update!