Saturday, September 18, 2010

Sweet Relief

Hi Baby,

You're probably amazed that I didn't write you a note the second I got back from our ultrasound on Thursday, huh?

Well, I wanted to wait to be able to include this with my note - our very first pictures of you, our precious baby, and our scanner gave me a bit of trouble the past couple of days. But your daddy figured it out this morning, so here you are, sweet Baby:

I was SO nervous (terrified, really) when we went in for the ultrasound.

After all, you little trickster, all of my morning sickness disappeared a few days beforehand, and that just seemed too early for the nausea to go away.

Quite frankly, I liked having the nausea. It was physical proof that my body was doing what it was supposed to and that you were growing inside of me.

The ultrasound technician was...well...less than
chatty. So, praise God that ultrasounds aren't too difficult to decipher.

Almost as soon as she began the ultrasound, I saw the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life - the subtle flutter of your heartbeat.

I immediately grabbed your daddy's hand and started crying.

I cannot even express in words how deeply relieved I was.

She took all sorts of measurements of you, all
without saying a word. But at that point I couldn't care less if she explained anything to me, because I saw you, alive and well, and I saw that beautiful flickering of your heartbeat.

Eventually, she let us listen to your heartbeat (for approximately two seconds) and then explained that the flickering we saw on the screen was your heart beating.

Honestly, if I hadn't known what to look for in the ultrasound, I would have been a nervous wreck...and completely furious at the technician for explaining everything after the fact!

I truly do not understand how someone can be an ultrasound technician and be so...stoic.

But in the end, my sweet baby, it doesn't even matter, because I could tell immediately that you were safe and sound inside of me.

And I must say, I have never experienced anything quite as beautiful, exciting, exhilarating, and overwhelming as seeing you for the very first time.

The second I saw your sweet little body, I fell even more deeply in love with you than I was before...and I didn't even think that was possible.

I've been carrying your pictures around with me all over the place. When I go from one room into the next, I take your pictures with me. I even bring them to bed with me and leave them on my bedside table, just so I can look at you anytime I want, like when I wake up for the fourth time during the night to go to the bathroom. I can just look over at your picture and know that the discomfort and not-so-fun side affects will all be worth it when I get to hold you in my arms, nurse you, rock you to sleep, snuggle you, and even change your diaper.

Seeing you made this pregnancy even more real to me than it was before.

Now that I've known about you for over five weeks, being pregnant, being careful what (and how much) I eat and drink, thinking about you all the time, and planning for your arrival are just second nature.

I can't even fathom what it would be like NOT to be thinking about and planning for you.

I can't remember what it was like before you became a reality for us.

But seeing your beautiful baby body on that ultrasound screen made me realize that everything about you - even the things I don't know yet - are already decided, already exist.

I may not know your gender yet, but you have one.

I may not know what color your eyes will be, but your eye color is already determined.

I may not know how tall you will be when you're all grown up, or, for that matter, how long you will be and how much you will weigh when you are born, but all of those things are already settled.

It just hit me that I am carrying inside of me my precious baby boy or girl - our precious baby boy or girl. I literally have a little boy or a little girl within my womb. And all those other things about you are already true, too.

And Baby, I can't wait to find out more and more about you in the coming months and years.

I can't wait to find out if you are a little boy or a little girl.

I can't wait to look into your precious eyes and cut your beautiful hair.

I can't wait to stand you against our kitchen wall every year to measure your growth with a pencil. Such a tiny thing, really, that little yearly pencil mark, but it will be a way of celebrating your life, your growth, and eventually, your maturing. And, when you are all grown up and on your own, it will be a way to remember your childhood.

I can't wait to welcome you into the world, little one.

You are already an incredible blessing to your dad and I - we both love you so, so much.

My heart feels so very full right now, Baby, and you are a huge part of that.

With All My Love,


1 comment:

  1. Oh Erin!

    This post just made my day - I've been wondering how things went at the ultrasound.

    And look at that beautiful baby!!!!


    I'm so glad you got to hear and see the heartbeat. That's a moment you will remember the rest of your life!

    Were they able to determine how far along you are?

    Too bad the ultrasound tech wasn't more friendly - but who cares! Look at that baby!!

    I know exactly what you mean about carrying that picture around with you - I do the very same thing!

    I'm just so, so happy for you and your husband! You both must be over the moon! I hope everything continues to go well - and it won't be long now until you can use a doppler to hear the heartbeat. I think I started using my home doppler at about 13 weeks or so. I got one on Amazon for like 30 bucks. It was hard to find the heartbeat in the beginning, but now we find it so easily.

    And, you get to look forward to another ultrasound in your second trimester! I know it will seem like forever until then, but in some ways the time does go by fast.

    I know exactly what you mean when you say the multiple trips to the bathroom at night, the nausea, the aches and pain - it's all worth it. We'd do it a hundred times over for our babies.

    Wish I was there to give you a great big hug! You and your little one are always on my mind!