Monday, November 1, 2010


Dear Baby,

I know that this will probably sound silly since I just only a few hours ago talked about how wonderful it was to feel energetic again. But now, suddenly, I'm scared.

I had a great night of doing lots of dishes (I finally cleared the counter for the first time in weeks!), doing laundry, and cleaning. I got a lot done without really getting tired at all.

And at first, I thought that that was awesome - a perk of the second trimester that I had been told would eventually come.

But then, as I was folding the laundry, I started getting really nervous.

I'm going to be 15 weeks tomorrow - meaning I'm only 6 days into the second trimester.

And this energy came on really suddenly.

And now I'm scared that that means there's something wrong.

I know I'm probably overreacting...and really, until now, I've been really good about keeping a positive spirit and believing the best for at least the past month or so.

But I can't help but think that something is not right.

It probably doesn't help that I recently read a story about a woman who miscarried, and the first thing she noticed that was different was that all of her energy came back suddenly.

I really wish right now that I had a doppler, so I could try to find your sweet heartbeat and calm myself down...but I never did get a doppler, because your dad talked me out of buying one.

Which was fine.

I told myself he was right. I only had a few more weeks to wait until I could start feeling you move, and then I wouldn't need a doppler to know that you were alive and well anymore.

Why spend the money for just a few weeks' peace of mind?

I'm really wishing I hadn't given up on buying one right about now...especially knowing I have another three whole weeks to wait until our next appointment when I will finally get to hear your heartbeat again.

I know that I'll probably be laughing at myself come that appointment, but right now, I'm just really, really frightened.

I've been feeling a little nervous the past few days in general, because a couple days ago, I barely drank any water throughout the day (which I know is really bad since dehydration can cause miscarriage), and the past few days, I haven't eaten as much or as well as I should.

So that has made me worry about you anyway, because I was afraid that maybe not drinking enough or not eating enough could have harmed you. And now the addition of the return of my energy is just compounding things.

I'm sure it will end up being like the whole nausea thing where I got all alarmed that something was wrong with you a couple days before our first ultrasound when my nausea suddenly disappeared...only to reappear a few days after the ultrasound.

But I wish I could know for sure.

I love you so, so much, Baby, and I'm hoping and praying that your are growing strong and healthy.

With All My Heart,



  1. Oh Erin,

    This was me a few days ago - scared to death. I know how it is to worry everytime you feel something change - even when the change is feeling better.

    I can honestly say that my energy did bounce back in the early days of my second trimester. And the overwhelming odds are that is what is happening to you. I think we get used to feeling so dragged down in the first trimester. And of course, you and I associate anything different as being a potential problem. But that's not necessarily the case!

    I don't know how to stop yourself from analyzing every little thing, and worrying over changes you notice - but please know you are definitely not the only one dealing with fears like this!

    Sometimes, it's as simple as staying off the internet for awhile and (for me, especially) stop reading babyloss stories!!

    Sometimes, it is a good heart-to-heart chat with your husband - and letting it all pour out. I sometimes find myself holding back from him, trying to protect him and thinking I should be able to handle it by myself.

    Just getting it out can really help. I hope writing this blog post helped to relieve some of your anxiety.

    As far as the doppler - don't beat yourself up about it! Trust me, I use my doppler all the time, and I still worry like crazy. If you had the doppler, you'd likely find something else to worry about!

    That said, if you really feel upset by everything - just order yourself a cheapie one. Or see if your doctor will let you come in for a listen - you would not be the first person to ask, trust me!

    I hope you feel more peace over the coming days. Everything is right on track, no issues... and you have every reason in the world to expect that your baby is healthy and thriving!

    Sending big hugs and lots of prayers your way...

  2. Hi!

    I hope you don't mind but I ran across your blog and read this entry. very sweet entry by the way. I thought I give some peace of mind... you're starting to go into your second trimester, which means your energy starts to come back. Try not to stress to much. God has everything planned out for you and your family.

    Good luck!