Waiting

Dear Baby,

I have so much to say to you, and at the same time, I don't know what to say.

So I guess I'll just start and see where we end up.

Today I went in for my third (and hopefully final) blood test to see if you are growing like you should and, in particular, if the progesterone supplement is working.

Before today, I was doing really well as far as calmness goes.

I was feeling very peaceful.

I was feeling confident.

It even began to feel normal to think of myself as pregnant.

Yesterday, I even got to tell one of my co-workers about you :)

I already felt like a proud mom bragging about her amazing child.

I wasn't planning on telling any co-workers yet. I mean, I told my boss (who, by the way, is less-than-thrilled about you because this means I will be working less at some point in the future and, therefore, earning him less money...and I couldn't care less that he is less-than-thrilled).

But I wasn't going to tell my co-workers, the people who I care about and who care about me and whose opinions I actually am concerned about, until the fourteen-week mecca.

But she and I were alone and she herself is pregnant. In fact, she's had her fair share of pregnancy issues in the past, which is why I think I felt so comfortable telling her.

When I told her she gave me a huge hug and started crying (which may or may not have been due to pregnancy hormones). She was so excited for us!

She and I are going to the same ob/gyn clinic, so it was nice to get to ask her some things I've been wondering about but couldn't ask before because it would sound suspicious (like if we will listen to the heartbeat on the first visit, which, apparently, we will [or at least we'll try] - yay!).

And, quite frankly, I wanted someone to know that I was pregnant so that, if anything not-good were to happen (don't get any ideas, Baby), someone would be able to understand why I suddenly don't come into work for a while.

I figured I should tell her before anyone else, anyway, since she's the one who takes over my job if I can't come in for any reason...and since she paid me the same courtesy when she found out she was pregnant.

Then we talked for about twenty minutes about all things baby - and it was so fun! It was great to chat about Babies R Us and pregnancy symptoms and our mutual concerns and our mutual joy.

And she also told me that she was put on progesterone during her first trimester and that it really helped. Her pregnancy may not have survived if she hadn't been on those hormones.

So that actually gave me a lot of hope.

I went home feeling pretty good about everything.

And then, today, I got bloodwork done.

And now I'm completely nervous and terrified...and impatient.

I almost called the lab about twenty minutes ago to see if they happened to have the results ready yet, just two hours after getting the test done.

I refrained.

Your daddy and I just want you to be growing strong and healthy so badly.

I honestly don't know if I've ever wanted anything in my life more than I want you, Baby.

I'm so worried that I will call in tomorrow and I will hear the same awful thing that I heard last time, "You lost the baby." Or, worse yet, "You're going to lose the baby, and there's nothing we can do." Except they'll say "fetus." I hate that.

I was really trying to not get too attached to you too quickly, Baby, but you've stolen my heart already.

Please keep growing, Baby; our hearts will break if you don't.

And, not to put any pressure on you or anything, but I've had way more than my fair share of heartbreak already in my life :)

I can't believe that tomorrow marks two full weeks of knowing that you exist.

What a blessing to have life - to have you - growing inside of me!

I'm hoping and praying that tomorrow I get to hear about what a good baby you've been and how you've done lots of growing and developing since my last test.

I love you, I love you, I love you,

Momma