So Relieved!

Precious Little One,

I am so, so, so relieved, excited, ecstatic, and about thirty other synonyms for "happy" right now!

The test results were great!

I called in yesterday afternoon, and the nurse I've been talking with (who has been really wonderful to work with, Lord bless her) asked me to wait on hold for a minute while she looked up my results.

In the past, it usually took her approximately twelve seconds to get back to me with my results.

Yesterday, I was on hold for about two minutes.

After thirty seconds or so, my stomach began twisting and turning like it does when I have a feeling something bad is going to happen.

I thought to myself, "It's probably taking her so long because my results are bad, and she's working up the strength to tell me that I'm going to have a miscarriage. She's bucking herself up to break the news to me. I shouldn't be doing this at work, especially while I'm supposed to be training someone. How am I going to tell her that I need to go home without breaking down?"

Such trajectories of thought continued for another minute and a half.

I almost decided to just hang up so I wouldn't have to hear her say it.

And then she took me off of hold and told me that she didn't have my progesterone results yet (explaining the delay) but the results for my hCG were, and I quote, "excellent."

Excellent!!!

She said I should call back in a couple of hours for the results of my progesterone.

I texted the news about my hCG to your dad and told him that we would have to wait until 4:30 for the progesterone results.

But only an hour later, she called me with the news that my progesterone results had just come in. They were, quoting again, "fantastic."

Fantastic!!!

So fantastic, in fact, that they reduced my progesterone intake by 50%.

My hCG is excellent, and my progesterone is fanstatic!

I almost cried as I thanked her on the phone.

I even tearing up now, just writing about it.

Your dad called me at about 4 o'clock, wondering if I had heard anything yet.

Needless to say, he was thrilled with the news - he and I are both SO relieved and SO happy!

He even told you he loves you for the very first time last night when I got home from work. It was so sweet :)

I think he was trying not to get too attached until we got the test results, too.

Not that he wasn't attached before that (same here, for that matter), but I think the positive test results allowed him to let his guard down with you and with this pregnancy.

In fact, I think the positive test results have allowed me to let down my guard with you and this pregnancy.

We love you so much, Baby; we're so excited to welcome you into our family.

And now the week-and-a-half that we have to wait before my first prenatal appointment doesn't seem so far away - so impossible to reach - as it did before.

It actually feels like it's right around the corner!

And right around the corner from my first appointment will be my second appointment, and right around the corner from my second appointment will be the 14-week zone, and right around the corner from the 14-week zone will be the "gender appointment," and so on and so forth until you are finally in my arms - it all seems so within-reach right now.

It all seems so possible.

I feel like the world is my oyster, like I can do anything.

As long as you are safely tucked inside of me and growing away, there are no limits.

We love you, Baby; keep growing strong!

Love Always,

Mom

Waiting

Dear Baby,

I have so much to say to you, and at the same time, I don't know what to say.

So I guess I'll just start and see where we end up.

Today I went in for my third (and hopefully final) blood test to see if you are growing like you should and, in particular, if the progesterone supplement is working.

Before today, I was doing really well as far as calmness goes.

I was feeling very peaceful.

I was feeling confident.

It even began to feel normal to think of myself as pregnant.

Yesterday, I even got to tell one of my co-workers about you :)

I already felt like a proud mom bragging about her amazing child.

I wasn't planning on telling any co-workers yet. I mean, I told my boss (who, by the way, is less-than-thrilled about you because this means I will be working less at some point in the future and, therefore, earning him less money...and I couldn't care less that he is less-than-thrilled).

But I wasn't going to tell my co-workers, the people who I care about and who care about me and whose opinions I actually am concerned about, until the fourteen-week mecca.

But she and I were alone and she herself is pregnant. In fact, she's had her fair share of pregnancy issues in the past, which is why I think I felt so comfortable telling her.

When I told her she gave me a huge hug and started crying (which may or may not have been due to pregnancy hormones). She was so excited for us!

She and I are going to the same ob/gyn clinic, so it was nice to get to ask her some things I've been wondering about but couldn't ask before because it would sound suspicious (like if we will listen to the heartbeat on the first visit, which, apparently, we will [or at least we'll try] - yay!).

And, quite frankly, I wanted someone to know that I was pregnant so that, if anything not-good were to happen (don't get any ideas, Baby), someone would be able to understand why I suddenly don't come into work for a while.

I figured I should tell her before anyone else, anyway, since she's the one who takes over my job if I can't come in for any reason...and since she paid me the same courtesy when she found out she was pregnant.

Then we talked for about twenty minutes about all things baby - and it was so fun! It was great to chat about Babies R Us and pregnancy symptoms and our mutual concerns and our mutual joy.

And she also told me that she was put on progesterone during her first trimester and that it really helped. Her pregnancy may not have survived if she hadn't been on those hormones.

So that actually gave me a lot of hope.

I went home feeling pretty good about everything.

And then, today, I got bloodwork done.

And now I'm completely nervous and terrified...and impatient.

I almost called the lab about twenty minutes ago to see if they happened to have the results ready yet, just two hours after getting the test done.

I refrained.

Your daddy and I just want you to be growing strong and healthy so badly.

I honestly don't know if I've ever wanted anything in my life more than I want you, Baby.

I'm so worried that I will call in tomorrow and I will hear the same awful thing that I heard last time, "You lost the baby." Or, worse yet, "You're going to lose the baby, and there's nothing we can do." Except they'll say "fetus." I hate that.

I was really trying to not get too attached to you too quickly, Baby, but you've stolen my heart already.

Please keep growing, Baby; our hearts will break if you don't.

And, not to put any pressure on you or anything, but I've had way more than my fair share of heartbreak already in my life :)

I can't believe that tomorrow marks two full weeks of knowing that you exist.

What a blessing to have life - to have you - growing inside of me!

I'm hoping and praying that tomorrow I get to hear about what a good baby you've been and how you've done lots of growing and developing since my last test.

I love you, I love you, I love you,

Momma

Good News

Hi Baby,

Today marks the day where I have officially been aware of you and kept you healthy and strong inside my tummy for longer than I did with Leila. I know it's not much, but it feels like a milestone to me. Last time, with your sister, I found out that I miscarried exactly one week after I found out I was pregnant.

Today, I have known about you for one week and one day.

And it feels great!

I don't know if you realize this or not, but you gave me quite the little scare a few days ago.

Because I lost your sister to miscarriage, my doctor said that I should come in right away the next time I found out I was pregnant to get my hormones tested. That way, if I miscarried last time because of low progesterone levels, they could give me a supplement to prevent that from happening in my pregnancy with you. Don't worry about what progesterone is or why I need it. Basically, it's a bunch of mumbo-jumbo doctor talk that maybe someday you'll learn to decipher when you and your spouse start a family...a long time from now :)

But the point is, when I got the test done on Tuesday, my hCG (the "pregnancy hormone," if you will) was looking good, but my progesterone was a bit low.

Before finding out the test results, surprisingly, I've been really calm, peaceful, and confident.

I haven't read into any pains I've felt too much (though the cramps did get pretty bad one day, which made me nervous).

In general, I've been able to sit back, relax, and enjoy the fact that you are growing inside of me.

And your daddy and I have done so much planning and hoping and dreaming about the future already! (Just last night, for the first time, your daddy asked me whether I think you are a boy or a girl. He said he thinks you're a girl. I said I also kind of think you're a girl, but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to think that, since I thought that last time. Since there's a 50/50 shot, if I thought our last baby was a girl [really, during that pregnancy, I was convinced], aren't I required to think you're a boy, just to even out the count?)

But when they told me that my progesterone was low, I got nervous all of a sudden.

What if there is something wrong already?

The twelve week mark seems so far away right now!

When I called in to get the test results, the doctor put me on a progesterone supplement right away (which I have been taking religiously, so hopefully that's doing something for you!). Then, she told me to come in again on Thursday (two days after my first test) to see how things were progressing.

So I did.

I got the results yesterday.

When the doctor looked at my chart, her exact expression was, "Oh, this is excellent!"

Apparently, child of mine, you have really multiplied those hCG levels the past couple of days...even more than she expected!

Good work - I'm so proud of you!

My progesterone, on the other had, stayed at the same level...but at least it didn't get lower.

They are going to have me come in next Thursday (one week after starting the progesterone supplements) to see how things are looking.

And I'm expecting just as much of a "wow" reaction from the doctor next time as I got this time, okay, Little One? Keep on growing and developing for me and daddy, please!

On another note, your daddy is so careful about what he lets the two of us eat.

He has taken it upon himself to eat all the unhealthy food in the house so that you don't get any wasted calories from fun and delicious stuff like sugar.

He told me the other day that my pregnancy is going to make him gain weight...what a laugh!

Believe me, I can see how much he is "suffering," being the only one allowed to eat junk food!

Here is how a typical day goes down for us:

Daddy packs my lunch while I get ready for work.

When I'm done getting ready, he feeds me.

He starts slow, with a yogurt.

At least one full glass of water (if not two).

Some fruit salad (mango, pineapple, blueberry, and kiwi - yum!).

Then he offers me toast.

I say, "No thanks. I'm full."

He says, "It's not about being hungry, it's about keeping Baby healthy!"

Then he makes me drink an entire glass of Green Machine Naked juice (my least favorite Naked juice, thank you very much).

He will eventually convince me to eat a hard-boiled egg or some dried fruit before I leave for work, but that's about it.

When I get to work, I see that he has packed the following in my lunch: a cup of tea, two full nalgenes of water, a ziploc baggie full of dried mangoes, a ziploc baggie full of craisins, a fairly large fruit salad, at least one yogurt (if not two), a very large container of whatever type of leftovers I will be eating (this week, stir fry), two hard-boiled eggs, and some cheese (for the protein and calcium). And, believe you me, he would be sending me with more food, but I always happen to have leftovers from yesterday's lunch waiting for me at work (shocker, right?).

Yesterday, when I left for work, he told me not to come home until I had finished my entire lunch.

To which I replied, "Okay, see you next week."

He also called me at work to see if I had run out of food and needed him to bring over more.

Haha.

Then, I get home from work, and I am given cheese and crackers (and possibly yet another yogurt) as a snack before dinner. More cheese than crackers, let me tell you.

When we have dinner, I have a large plate of whatever is on the menu with a full glass of chocolate milk.

One thing you will learn about your mommy is that I hate milk (which is no excuse for you not to drink it, by the way, so don't even try to use that against me in the future).

So, my drinking milk - even chocolate milk - is a sacrifice of love for you.

Then he tries to convince me to drink another glass of Naked juice.

Then he makes me drink at least three full glasses of water before bed.

Then, right before bed, he tries to feed me an evening snack, like cereal, yogurt, leftovers from dinner, or fruit salad. Or maybe a granola bar. Or more cheese and crackers.

Let me tell you, I'm starting to understand why pregnant women gain weight - it's not because of the baby, it's because their husbands won't stop shoving food down their throats!

It is endearing, though, and very cute.

He just wants you (and me) to be healthy so bad, Baby.

So don't hold it against him...I certainly don't!

Anyway, just thought you might like to know how your existence has made your daddy slightly loopy :)

I love you, Baby - keep growing!

Love,

Momma

So Excited!

FYI: For those of you who are just taking a look at my blog, you should read my previous post first. Thanks!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010:

Dear Baby Birk,

Well, you are quite the little surprise!

Before I get into how I found out about you, let me tell you a little bit about the family that you have joined.

Your daddy and I have been married for just over two years. I am 23, and your daddy is 25. We met at Bethel University in St. Paul, MN, where we were both attending college. We’ll tell you the whole story some day, but to make a long story short, we met at the beginning of our junior year through a mutual friend.

The first night we met was one of the most amazing nights of my life. I thought that our mutual friend was interested in your dad, so I was trying to “feel him out” to make sure that he was good enough for her. But it didn’t take long for him and I to get into this wonderful, three-hour-long conversation, where we both shared some of our respective testimonies and what God had been doing in our lives. It was incredible. I don’t know about your dad, but I had never opened up like that with someone I just met. It was so clear that God was present in our conversation and was there in our midst.

Two weeks later, your daddy “asked” me out. I say “asked,” because there really wasn’t much actual asking going on. Really, he pretty much just told me that we should be in a relationship because we were going to get married.

I wasn’t necessarily ready to commit to marriage quite yet (after all, I had never even dated anyone before that!), but I did want to get to know him better and felt very drawn to him. So, in a really awkward and embarrassing way, I said that I agreed that we should be in a relationship. (I’ll fill you in on the sordid details someday when you are a bit older).

Two and a half months later, your dad proposed to me. I was very surprised. I knew he was going to propose within the next few months, but I didn’t expect it quite so soon!

I was nervous about getting engaged and getting married, since I come from a broken home (Lord willing, you will never have to understand how that feels), but I really felt God’s hand on the situation, as did your daddy, so I just decided to trust God and accepted your dad’s proposal.

Five crazy months later, we were married!

Since then, I have discovered the absolute beauty of the marriage covenant. Your daddy and I love each other so deeply; I can’t even put it into words. He is my best friend and my confidante. He is so silly, too – you’ll learn that someday. He makes me laugh all the time, and I love him for that! And, Baby, you should know that he really adores me…and I really adore him. It is so clear to me that God destined us to be together. We love being married to each other and wouldn’t have it any other way.

Which brings me to you, Little One, and your older sister, Leila. Maybe you met her in heaven before you started growing in my tummy?

Your daddy was ready to start trying to have a baby practically the second we got married. He wants to be a father so bad. I, on the other hand, wanted to wait a few years – at least three – before trying for children. Don’t get me wrong, I have always wanted kids – actually, I want a large family, so hopefully someday you will have lots of younger brothers and sisters. But at the time, I was just getting used to the idea of being married, and I wanted time with my husband. Plus, I’ll be honest, I was scared to death of the pain involved in labor!

So, we decided to wait.

But six months later, I was shocked to find out that I was pregnant with your older sister, Leila. Your daddy was completely thrilled when I told him that we were going to have a baby. I didn’t really feel ready, though, and for the first couple days, I was scared to death. But then, quite suddenly, I got very excited to be welcoming a precious child into our family.

And then, a week after I found out I was pregnant, your older sister Leila left my body and went back to heaven to be with Jesus.

From that day on, I wanted to have a baby desperately.

And finally, several months ago, and not quite two years after our miscarriage, your dad and I decided it was time to try again.

We tried for a number of months with no luck.

I took quite a few pregnancy tests in that time, just wishing and hoping that I would see a positive result.

No such luck.

And then, this past week, that all changed.

Last week, your daddy and I were in Milwaukee for my best friend’s (your Aunt Meg’s) wedding. I was the Matron of Honor, and, as such, one of my duties was to give a speech at the reception.

Because we had been trying to get pregnant, though, your daddy told me that I had to have non-alcoholic champagne for the toast, just in case.

Which I thought was ridiculous.

There was no way that I was pregnant!

But he agreed that if I took a test on the day of the wedding and it was negative, I could have real, grown-up champagne.

So, on Thursday of last week, August 12, 2010, I went with Aunt Meg to Target and, while there, I bought a two-pack pregnancy test.

Friday morning, August 13, 2010, I took one of the tests, honestly not expecting (though, of course, hoping and wishing) to see a positive.

But almost immediately, there it was. That beautiful (though faint), blue positive sign.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I really couldn’t.

I was pregnant!!!

You had already started forming inside of me, and, just like last time I was pregnant, I was amazed that something so precious could have been growing in my tummy without my knowledge.

Your Aunt Meg, who had seen me purchase the pregnancy test, asked me about the result when she woke up that morning, and when she found out I was pregnant, she freaked out! She just kept yelling, “Shut up! Shut up!”

It was so great to share the joyous news with someone who was so excited for me (and for your daddy, and for you)! I think she is looking forward to meeting you almost as much as your daddy and I are.

I felt so blessed that my best friend, rather than feeling as though I was raining on her parade or stealing her thunder, was still able to be genuinely happy for me when I found out about you…even just one day before the most important day of her life - her wedding!

The next morning, I decided to take the other pregnancy test.

I just couldn’t wait to see that positive result again.

And I half expected it to not be there.

I half expected the other test to be a false-positive.

But, praise God, on the morning of Aunt Meg’s wedding, I got to see yet another positive result on a pregnancy test – and this line was even darker than the one the day before was!

Later that day, I told your daddy that it turned out that I did need to have non-alcoholic champagne for the toast after all.

And he was so very happy!

Last week was already shaping up to be a pretty darn good week, what with your Aunt Meg’s wedding and all, but you really put it over the top. It really turned out to be one of the best weeks of my life so far.

We are both over-the-moon excited that you are growing inside of me, Baby!

You are already loved so deeply, and we can’t wait to meet you. I have no idea how I am going to make it another couple weeks before getting to go to my first prenatal doctor’s appointment…and I have even less of an idea of how I am going to make it another nine months (give or take, depending on how long you’ve been hiding in my tummy without me knowing) before I get to hold you and kiss you and snuggle you.

We love you so much, Baby. Please keep growing strong and healthy.

Love, Always and Forever,

Momma

I can't believe I'm going to say this...

...but I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd use a zillion more exclamation points if I didn't think you'd find it boring :)

I'd write an entire post of exclamation points if it wouldn't make me look crazy uncreative.

Last week was pretty much the greatest week of my life: My best friend's wedding, which equaled an entire week of hanging out with her and her family. And the discovery that I am carrying a living, growing blessing inside of me :)

You'll hear all the details about how and when I found out in my next post that I will be writing to my little one. (I actually wrote it a couple days ago, but we wanted to wait for me to talk to my doctor for the first time before telling many people).

Pretty much just my parents, my in-laws, my best friend and her family, and my husband's best friend and his family know. We're not really going to tell many other people until I'm farther along. But I know that women who will understand all the mixed emotions I'm feeling right now will be reading this, and I wanted some support from someone like that. So, thanks in advance for your support, dear readers :)

And, for those of you who know me in person, based on this post, you can probably tell that we're trying to keep this on the DL, so please don't be making any announcements on facebook or anything! Thanks!

So, here's the deal:

As one of my last posts said, my doctor wanted me to go in for a hormone test right away after I found out I was pregnant. So, Tuesday, as soon as we got into town, I had some bloodwork done.

They told me that they would call me with the results within 24 hours.

No such luck.

So, this afternoon, I couldn't wait any longer and called them.

I was told that the person who told me not to call for my results didn't know what she was talking about (great).

First, I found out that my hCG levels are consistent with how far along I should be based on my last period. I am just over three weeks along. Very, very not far. Very, very early.

But my hCG is looking good, praise God!

However, my progesterone is lower than they want it to be and than it should be. It was measured at a 14, and they said the lowest they want it to be is a 15, but preferably closer to a 20.

So, they told me to come in again today for another test to see how things are developing.

And they put me on a progesterone supplement, which, they warned me, is likely to make me fairly ill.

But hey, if my body isn't making enough progesterone for me to really feel some symptoms, why not manually bring them on, right?

To some extent, I want those symptoms. I want to feel pregnant.

And, quite frankly, I don't care if the progesterone pills make me so ill that I have to stay in bed for the next nine months, as long as it means that this pregnancy is going to progress as it should and that my baby will be strong and healthy when she/he is born. I'm sure some of you understand how I'm feeling.

And then, I will likely need to go in for another blood test next week to see if the progesterone supplement is working.

But it makes me nervous that they need to supplement my hormones already.

Am I defective?

Is there something wrong with this pregnancy already?

My husband and I are SO excited; we will be completely crushed if something bad happens.

But for now, I'm just trying to stay peaceful and calm.

My first prenatal appointment is September 9th, which doesn't seem so far away.

It actually really helps to have that tangible date that I'm waiting for.

It makes me feel like everything's going to be okay.

It's only a few weeks away - baby and I can hang on until then!

And, at that point, I'll be about seven weeks, so I'll be half way to the mecca of fourteen weeks.

And on a side note, Brady is so cute! He is so concerned that I eat enough of all of the types of food I need to eat. I feel like he's trying to fatten me up! This morning he told me how "it's not about being hungry; it's about eating what you need to for baby!" And he also told me, "I don't ever want you to be thirsty while you're pregnant," because apparently hydration is important, and if I'm ever thirsty, it means I'm not drinking enough.

He's also making me drink and eat some gross things (like milk...yuck), but I'm willing to sacrifice for baby's health.

I just love how much he has taken it upon himself to make sure that baby and I are healthy - it is so endearing!

On another side note, I've been having lots of cramps lately. Is this normal? I don't have any bleeding or anything, so that's making me feel okay about the cramps, but they are more severe than I would expect. Thoughts?

"Life in a List"

1. My best friend's wedding was BEAUTIFUL! She looked gorgeous, and I am so happy for her. It was wonderful to get to be such a big part of her special day...and I think my speech went over pretty well, too, so that's a plus.

2. I'm sick of drama. That's all I'm going to say about that.

3. I think I'm getting the flu. One of the groomsmen yesterday had a fever, diarrhea, and was throwing up a lot. At least one of those is true for me right now (I will leave it up to you to decide which one), and my whole body just feels tired and achy. Probably because I haven't gotten more than 6 hours of sleep on any given night this week. And probably because yesterday I got up at 6 am (after going to sleep at 1 am) and was non-stop moving in sun and heat and a too-tight dress (making it difficult to breathe) and high-heels until almost 1 am this morning. And even though I'm crazy exhausted, I couldn't sleep any later than 8 am this morning. Probably because my stomach is bothering me. Probably because of the aforementioned possible flu and because of the even-more-aforementioned drama and the gut-churning anxiety that that has caused.

4. I got to see and dance with my husband last night!!! I haven't seen him all week, because while I've been with my best friend doing final wedding details, he's been working non-stop a few hours away from here. It was so nice to finally get to see him and talk with him again.

5. I'm sad that my husband had to go back to work last night after the reception and can't wait for tonight, when he is finally done working and I get to have him all to myself again.

6. I am exhausted. Did I mention that already?

7. I actually am excited to go back home (crazy, since I don't really like living in Boston), because this trip has been tiring. It has been really good up until now, but I'm not looking forward to the next two days...because the next two days are when I have to try to straighten out the drama mentioned earlier. Yuck. At this point, I just want to say, "Screw it all" and give up on my things ever not being dramatic. But I know that's not the right thing to do. It's just frustrating that it doesn't seem like I can ever do anything right. And the blame always rests squarely on me. Pretty impressive, right? Who knew that all the problems in the world were caused by me?

8. I have one more week to finish my summer class, and I am way behind. Yikes!

9. I only got out of bed an hour ago, and I'm already ready for a nap.

Wedding Week!

So, we are in day three of "Wedding Week."

Whew!

Currently, I am sitting in my bedroom (yes, my bedroom) at my best friend's house waiting for her to wake up and tell me what to do to make her life easier.

Because that's what a Matron of Honor does :)

How freakin' awesome is it that I have my own bedroom at her house??? (Well, it's her parents' house I guess...since she'll be moving into her new place in three days).

I keep calling myself the "Maid of Honor" because it is more traditional and sounds better...but she keeps reminding me that I'm a "Matron" not a "Maid." Haha...

She's older than me, so I think she's getting a kick out of the fact that my title makes me sound older.

I just can't believe that my best friend, my "sister from another mister" is getting married in three days!

Crazy!

Anyway, it's been pretty good so far - I'm loving getting to spend this time with her and her family...getting to love on her and to help her enjoy her last few days as a single woman.

I want to make sure that this week is ALL about her, as it should be, and I think, so far, that that's going pretty well :)

I love this house, and I love these people. I love my safe haven, my refuge.

Doctor's Orders

Disclaimer: This may be TMI for some of you, as it's about my recent visit with my gynecologist. You have been forewarned.

So after having several people encourage me to talk with my doctor about the whole ttc thing, I finally decided to take the plunge.

I didn't necessarily think I should, because it hasn't been a full year yet, and I am trying to be patient, but I was scheduled for my yearly appointment anyway, so I figured it didn't hurt to ask my doctor some questions.

Boy am I glad I did!

This was my first annual visit with a new doctor, since we moved to MA just over a year ago. When I made the appointment, I was a bit nervous, because they scheduled me with a male gynecologist...and I've always been a bit leery of male gynecologists.

But he was SUPER helpful and very kind about the whole thing.

I was actually really surprised. I never really thought I would feel so comfortable talking with a man about all this stuff, but he really made me feel at ease.

I'm feeling really blessed in having found such a caring doctor.

In my experience in the past, the doctor usually comes in the room, and the first thing he/she says to you is "put your feet in the stirrups." They always seem rushed to finish the exam, rushed to leave, rushed to go on to the next patient. I usually feel like I'm inconveniencing them if I have any questions.

But my new doctor came in, shook my hand, introduced himself, and then just sat down and talked with me for at least ten minutes. He asked about my personal life (not in a creepy way, but in a "are you taking care of yourself, and how are things at home" sort of way), he took the time to very patiently address all of my issues and questions, and he made me feel like a person. It was like he actually cared about me and my health. It was so refreshing.

I was with him for at least twenty minutes before he even began talking about the actual exam.

So, long story short, I told him about our ttc journey and its seeming lack of progress.

First, he made me feel less concerned that I'm defective for passing three OPK tests in a row...he said I probably just caught the LH surge on the way up and down, and not to worry. He also said that based on my exam, it did indeed look like I was ovulating, so I was probably reading the tests correctly. He told me to stop taking the tests (which I had continued to take to see if I was defective...and to see what a negative would look like...and because the package said they expired after 30 days anyway, so I might as well use 'em up), and to just take another one next week so I can see how my negative will look.

(On a side note, he also told me that the OPK company is a big, fat, stinkin' liar for saying that the tests go bad after one month and that as long as I keep them well sealed, I should be able to save them and use them for at least a few months).

He talked with me about basal body temperatures and how to begin tracking them. When I told him I had started but wasn't getting very far because I wasn't sure what to look for and because my cycle is so irregular, he gave me some charts for it and told me that after taking my temperature for a few months, I should copy the charts and fax them to him so he can analyze them and get an idea of how my body is working.

He said from there we can decide what to do next. He also offered to do some hormone tests (the "for beginners" fertility tests and such) but suggested I wait a few more months (since it hasn't been a full year) and also check with my insurance to make sure they would cover the tests...otherwise, it can get pretty costly pretty quickly.

Finally - and this is my favorite part! - he actually listened to and addressed my concerns about the possibility of having another miscarriage in the future (which, from my previous experience, is practically unheard of, unless you've had three or more miscarriages!). He said next time I get pregnant, to call him right away. They'll have me come in for my first appointment earlier than they normally would so they can run some basic hormone tests and such. That way, if my previous miscarriage was due to a hormone imbalance or some other similar problem that can be fixed, they would be able to begin treating me right away to (hopefully!) ensure that my next pregnancy goes smoothly and progresses healthily.

Then he told me that he'd be keeping his fingers crossed for us and hoped to see me soon for a prenatal appointment :)

Me too, Doc. Me too.

I'm feeling very relieved, very peaceful, and very pleased.

Also...

...I think I might end up in some random chick's high-school graduation pictures.

I happen to be sitting right behind this high-schooler as she gets her graduation pictures taken.

They just asked me to move.

I secretly hope I randomly end up in the background of a picture in her year book.

Haha...

A Confession...

So I have a confession to make.

Actually, now that I think about it, I have two.

The first is that I dropped the ball on the photo-a-day thing while we were out of town. If I had done it, it would probably have hypothetically been the same picture of my hotel room every day. So I guess I'm saving you some boredom.

I started again though, so don't worry :)

Confession number two.

I bought an ovulation kit.

I never, ever, ever thought I would, but I did.

We've been trying now for about eight months with no luck.

Last time I got pregnant, it happened RIGHT away...which makes eight months with no luck seem...weird. Is there something wrong with me now?

So, anyway, I know it's too early to go to a fertility doctor or something. And, quite frankly, I can't see going to a fertility doctor unless it had been like two years (but I guess we'll see if I still feel that way if another six months goes by with no luck).

And maybe it is still too early to be concerned, too...

...but I am impatient...

...and a bit concerned...

...and the longer it takes, the more impatient I become...

...and the more impatient I become, the more concerned I become when nothing happens.

So, anyway, a few days ago, the hubs and I were joking about buying an ovulation kit.

And then I went to Target on a completely unrelated mission.

But when I got there, I thought I'd just look at ovulation kits. You know, to see if one was better than another or something so that I would know which one to buy if it did come down to that.

But when I got to that aisle, there was a major, intense sale on a First Response ovulation kit.

And I just felt that it was the universe telling me to purchase it.

So I did.

Yesterday, I used it for the first time, and the very first test told me that I was having an LH surge...so I would be ovulating in 24-36 hours.

I figured it must be defective; there's no way that I would "pass" the first test! But I even had Brady look at it to make sure that I wasn't reading it wrong, and he confirmed that I was right. I passed it with flying colors. There was no doubt. The test line was WAY darker than the reference line.

I passed it this morning, too.

Is it weird to have it show that my LH is surging two days in a row?

Have any of you used these ovulation predictor kits, and, if so, do you have any advice or words of wisdom to offer me?

What do I do if it says I'm surging tomorrow, too??? Does that mean that I have a hormone issue? (I did a bit of research today and totally freaked myself out...they said that I'm defective if I passed the test for more than two days in a row...and I'm on route for that to happen! Yikes!).

So, any input would be helpful.

On a completely random note, as I write this, I am sitting by the ocean waiting for Brady to get back from a bike ride so we can go to dinner.

It's a beautiful day in Rockport, and I'm loving just hanging out outside.

I'm sitting next to this ice cream place, because they have free WiFi, and I wanted to do homework while I waited.

The door to the ice cream joint is open, though, so I can hear what's going on inside.

This chick just came in and told one of the employees (an old friend, apparently) that she has a new baby sister...

...who is named Leila :)

I started smiling so big, I must have looked like a crazy person.

It feels so good to have named my baby, to finally have something to call her, and to think of her when I hear someone use her name. *peaceful sigh*