Decisions

Hi Little Man,

I have a lot of difficult decisions to make these days. And for someone who's already indecisive to begin with (even in small decisions, like which restaurant to go to for dinner), these big, life-altering, world-changing decisions are almost impossible.

In some ways, I'm far too cognitive for my own good.

I go over all of the options again and again and again.

I go over all of the possible outcomes again and again and again.

I think through every single possibility and all of its ramifications again and again and again.

And then I start all over again.

Even if I can narrow it down to two or three options, I will waffle between those options for days or weeks or even months.

Because I am so very aware of all of the possible negative outcomes of my decisions.

Because of my aforementioned cognitive nature.

In some ways, I must think that I can control the world, and if I only make the right decision, everything will be fine. I guess maybe I forget that there are other people out there who have just as much free will as me, and just as much ability to affect the outcome of my decision as I do.

But that doesn't change the fact that I take my decisions so, so seriously.

I really come to the point with big decisions like the ones I'm facing right now where I am literally consumed by the options. I just obsess over every minute detail for hours and hours and hours every single day, until I make my final decision.

And now, with you in the picture, these decisions are even more crucial to me. I have even more of a desire to make the right choice. Because my decisions these days not only affect me, but they affect you. I could not only really mess up my life, but I could mess up yours. And that knowledge is more terrifying and sobering than I can possibly explain.

All this to say that I just want you to know that I will never take any decision that affects you lightly.

I need you to know, Baby, that everything I do is for you. Everything.

Even when it may seem like I made the wrong choice, - even when you aren't happy with the decisions I make - you need to know that I made that choice because in my heart of hearts I thought it was best for you. And I want nothing but the very best for you. I want to make your life as perfect as I can. I want you to have everything. I would give you the world if I could. I truly mean that, Baby, from the very depths of my soul.

So please forgive me, Son, if sometimes I don't make the right decision. Please forgive me if someday many years down the road, you look back and realize that you wish I would have done it differently. Please forgive me if, when you look back over your life, you come to the conclusion that some of my choices weren't the best. And please give me the benefit of the doubt, knowing that even when the outcome doesn't turn out as well as I'd hoped or expected, even when it seems like I didn't take you or your feelings into consideration, even when you think I should have gone about things differently, every single decision I made was made with the belief that my choice was in your best interest. Every single decision was made with the intention of doing right by you. Every single decision was made with the intention of making your life the best it could possibly be.

Please, please forgive me, Sweet Boy, if I don't do everything right...when I don't do everything right. And please know that I have only your very best interest at heart.

I'm so sorry that I can't make your life perfect. I'm so sorry that I can't protect you from the hard, hurtful things that happen in this world. I'm so sorry that I can't be perfect for you. I'm so, so sorry.

Please forgive me.

And please know, Baby, that I do love you more than I can say, that I do want the very best for you, and that for the rest of my life, I will fight for you. I will fight for you to have the very best that the world has to offer. I will fight for you to have the very best childhood that you can. I will fight for you to have a life full of opportunity. I will fight for you to grow up in the safest, most secure, stablest, happiest, healthiest environment possible.

I will fight for you.

I am fighting for you.

I love you so, so much.

With Love,

Momma

Trust & Hope

Hi Baby,

Sometimes it is really hard to trust God, Baby. Sometimes you're at such a difficult place that, no matter what your moral standards about language usage may be, you honestly cannot stop yourself from letting out a, "What the f*** is going on?!?" or "How the f*** did this happen?!?" I sincerely hope that you never find yourself in a situation that makes it impossible for you to stop yourself from using such strong language. But, since we do live in a very fallen world, unfortunately, I think you will probably understand what I mean and where I'm coming from someday when you're much older. And those times, - the ones that absolutely require you to drop the f-bomb throughout the day...and where you don't even feel guilty about using that kind of language afterwards because that's how messed up everything is - those are the times when it is really hard to trust God and to have any hope that things could ever be better.

Believe me.

I know.

From experience.

But you know what else I know from experience?

I know that even in the worst possible circumstances, God is still faithful. Now I'm not always able to accept that to be true quite that easily when my world is crashing down around me. But that doesn't change the fact that I know it to be true. We may never understand why God allows bad things to happen to us this side of heaven. But I can guarantee you that if we remain faithful here on earth, once we make it to those pearly gates, it will all make sense. We will be able to see the good that came out of our suffering. And sometimes, if we're truly lucky, God will even reveal some of that good to us right here while we're on earth. I've actually been blessed enough to be able to see good come out of almost all of the really sad circumstances I've faced in my life. And maybe God revealed some of those things to me on purpose, knowing that I would need to have that physical proof to look back on to continue to trust him in my current circumstances.

Nonetheless, even though I know that God is still faithful, it doesn't make things any easier.

Or maybe it does.

I honestly can't say for sure, because I've never had to be in very difficult circumstances without the knowledge that God would remain faithful to me. I've never not had that hope to cling to.

And yet, like I said, even with this knowledge, it doesn't always make me feel better. Sometimes I just want God to make it all stop. I just want him to save me from my circumstances. And I get incredibly, raging angry that he doesn't.

And then, when I've told people that, as I put it, "God and I aren't on speaking terms right now," so many people scold me. "Don't take it out on God. Don't be angry at him. He didn't make this happen. He isn't to blame. You need to trust him." And honestly, hearing those things only makes me feel worse. Like I'm failing somehow by being honest about my feelings. But you know what? I'd rather be honest about being angry at God than pretend that God and I are skipping through a field of roses together because what God wants most is my heart. He doesn't want my masks or my fake smiles or my Christianese. He wants my heart. So when, in my heart, I am furious at God, I'd rather show him that than a bunch of smiles and positive attitudes that are total bologna. And in the end, God can handle my anger. He's not going to throw in the towel. He's not going to be angry with me. He's not going to take off and run away. Hence, God is FAITHFUL, no matter what the circumstances.

All this to say, Baby, that I'm mad at God right now. And that's okay. And you will have days in your life...or maybe even weeks or months...where you are mad at God. And it will be okay then, too.

Because your anger does not negate his faithfulness. Praise God for that! Otherwise, we'd all be screwed (pardon my French).

You may ask where all of this talk of God's faithfulness is coming from, since I haven't really been talking much about God lately (due to the aforementioned anger). Well, the other night, on my way to my friends' house (thanks for having me over!), I was listening to Kristene Mueller, and two of her songs just jumped out at me. The lyrics were so beautiful, so simple, so true, and so exactly what I needed to hear exactly when I needed to hear it. And those lyrics gave me hope and renewed in me a sense of God's faithfulness, because those songs reminded me that even in the darkest circumstances, God is still faithful (as he has proven to me time and again) and that no situation is too far gone for him to redeem.

For both of the songs, I would highly recommend looking them up and listening to them beyond just reading the lyrics, but nonetheless, here they are. I have italicized the lyrics that are most meaningful to me right now. Both songs are from the "Those Who Dream," and they happen to be the first two songs on the cd.

The first song is called Trust:

"It's the sweetest thing

To trust You

Just to know

You've got everything

Under control

It's the sweetest thing

To trust You

Just to know

You've got everything

And You are making me a mountain

Making me a mountain

That cannot be shaken

Oh You are making me a mountain

Making me a mountain

That cannot be moved

High up

On the rock

Looking out at the horizon

Watching as the storm rolls in

Wondering if my heart will survive it

As the waves crash all around me

And I can't remember what it feels like to be free

I know you're making me a mountain

Making me a mountain

That cannot be shaken

Oh You are making me a mountain

Making me a mountain

That cannot be moved

You say, "I've got you, My Baby.

Oh, I've got you.

It's quite the mess you're in

But it's nothing love can't fix

So sit here upon my shoulders

And watch as it all unwinds."

You are making me a mountain

Making me a mountain

That cannot be shaken

I know You're making me a mountain

Making me a mountain

That cannot be moved

I know You're making me a mountain

Making me a mountain

That cannot be shaken

You are making me a mountain

Making me a mountain

That cannot be moved."

So, Baby, just remember that God's always got your back. He can fix even the worst of circumstances, and through those circumstances, he can make you a mountain that cannot be shaken...so maybe when the next storm rolls in, it won't look quite so intimidating after all.

The other song is called Redemption:

"The darker the night, the brighter the day

The fiercer the fight, the stronger the faith

So I place my hope in You

The deeper the sin, the stronger the blood

The more to forgive, the more reason to love

So I place my trust in You

In Your ways, oh God,

Redemption is so much better than perfection

In your ways, oh God

Over and over

You prove Yourself faithful

Over and over

You prove Yourself a Redeemer

The darker the night, the brighter the day

The fiercer the fight, the stronger the faith

So I place my hope in You

In Your ways, oh God,

Redemption is so much better than perfection

In Your ways, oh God,

Redemption is so much better than perfection

In Your ways, oh God

Over and over, You prove Yourself faithful

Over and over, You prove Yourself a Redeemer

In Your ways I have

Redemption so much better than perfection

So I place all my hope in You

Over and over

Over and over

Over and over, You prove yourself faithful

Over and over

Over and over

Over and over, You prove yourself a redeemer

The darker the night, the brighter the day

The fiercer the fight, the stronger the faith

The deeper the sin, the stronger the blood

The more to forgive, the more reason to love"

All this to say, Baby, that I truly hope that you will come to know and believe that God is faithful always, that he will always redeem your circumstances, and that he will never, ever leave you or forget about you. Even when it doesn't feel like he is there or like he cares, he is there and he loves you more than anyone ever could. And that says a lot coming from me, because I can't imagine anyone loving you more than I do, but God's love for you is deeper than mine could ever be. It's incredible, really.

All My Love,

Mom

One more request

Hi Sweet Boy,

Just one more quick request...could you please stop kicking my ribs?

I mean, I LOVE feeling you move, but every time you kick my ribs, it feels like you're going to knock one of them out of socket - you're really getting strong!

Anyway, if you feel your movements must involve kicking my ribcage, then so be it. Just thought I'd mention it, just in case. Especially since you've got another 10ish weeks left in there, and I have a feeling that your kicks could get a lot stronger before your make your grand entrance into the world.

Think about it.

The Owner of the Ribcage You Like to Kick,

Mom

Test Results & Other Updates

Hi Baby,

I finally had my first actual check-up at the new clinic - yay! I really like it and think it will be a good fit for us.

They checked my iron levels and tested me for gestational diabetes, and both tests came back perfect - yay again!

We are also at the point now where I'm going to be going in for check-ups every two weeks, instead of every four weeks - triple yay! I love that it's only been a couple of days since my last check-up, and already I only have another week and a half to wait until I get to go in for a check-up again! I don't think I'll ever get tired of getting to go to my prenatal appointments :)

The only complaint I have, little one, is that they tell me that you are still head-up. That's not good! My midwife said that most babies will turn by 32 weeks, so that only gives you a week and a half to turn your little self around before I start getting worried. After all, if you wait too much longer, you'll be too big to turn!

And I really don't want to have them tell me I can't give birth naturally because you're in the wrong position, so can you please do me a tiny little favor and flip yourself around? I'd be very, very appreciative. Your kicks and punches are starting to get a little strong sometimes - I've even let out a little "ouch!" here and there - so I know you have the muscle power to do it!

Anyway, just thought I'd make you aware of my little request.

I love you so very much, Baby!

All My Love,

Mom

30 Weeks & So Excited!

Dear Baby Boy,

30 weeks already! Well, technically it will be 30 weeks come tomorrow, but close enough...

I just can't believe that we've made it to 30 weeks. I can't believe that we're 3/4 of the way through this pregnancy. It has gone SO fast. I'm totally amazed.

I have to say, Little One, that I am so incredibly excited to meet you...I can't even express how impatient I am to have you in my arms.

I've been excited to meet you this whole time, of course...but for some reason, in the past couple of weeks, my excitement has made it to a whole new level.

There's absolutely no way to put into words my complete and utter anticipation for your arrival.

Now don't take that the wrong way - you still need to keep cooking for another 8-10 weeks (though I'd rather it that you don't keep cooking any longer than that...). But those 8-10 weeks CANNOT GO FAST ENOUGH!!!

Now, I know that these past 30 weeks have already gone super fast, so I'm sure that the next 8-10 weeks will also go very fast...but right now, it seems like an ETERNITY until you arrive.

At the same time, I still can't believe we're already at 30 weeks! I can't believe I only have to wait another 10ish weeks to meet you. I can't believe that I will be a mom in less than 3 months. I can't believe that in less than 3 months...closer to 2 months, really...I will get to hold you, rock you to sleep, bathe you, even change your diaper.

I can't believe how crazy blessed I am to be able to have you in my life, to be able to call you my son, to be able to take care of you and love you and raise you.

You are such a blessing to me.

I love you so very much.

And I'm just praying that the next 8-10 weeks go by at lightning speed!

Love Always,

Momma

Something Beautiful

Hi Baby Boy,

It's been a very difficult week...again.

There were lots of very sad things that happened this week.

This Wednesday was a horrible, horrible day. The worst of my life. It was bad for a lot of reasons, but then, on top of everything else, I had a scare with you.

On Wednesday afternoon, after one of those "very sad things" happened, I was crying...sobbing, really. I have never, ever cried that hard in my life. I literally lost control of my body and was unable to stop myself. I was hyperventilating and letting out these deep, wracking sobs that started at the core of my being and rocked my entire body. I've never experienced anything like it. And I couldn't stop myself for about an hour.

I was trying so hard to stop myself, Little One, because I know that it's not good for you when I get stressed or upset, but like I said, I literally had no control of my body or emotions.

Luckily, a former L&D nurse was nearby, and she took care of me. While I cried, she rubbed my stomach and talked softly to you, and after a while, she was finally able to get me to calm down.

But when I did, my stomach felt...different.

I don't know how to describe it.

It was just different...in an ominous way.

My entire abdomen felt really tight, and I started getting some sharp, shooting pains between my belly button and pelvis.

And it took every fiber of my being to not panic...especially since you were hardly moving.

Your movements are normally quite forceful, quite strong. But your movements that afternoon after I stopped crying were so weak and slow. I was absolutely sure that I had hurt you.

The L&D nurse had my lay down, and she examined my stomach. She was able to determine that I wasn't having contractions, and the pain was just from my muscles beginning to loosen as I calmed down, as they had tensed up quite a bit when I was crying.

She made me feel a little better, but I really didn't fully find comfort until I felt you move with your normal force later that evening.

And I can't tell you how very, very relieved I was. I was so afraid I had injured you, or worse. For a moment, I honestly thought that I may have killed you. Praise God that you're still okay! In fact, as I type this, you're beginning to perform your normal nightly acrobatics. Something I look forward to every single day, as it assures me that all is well in uterus-land.

Anyway, the point of all of this is to tell you how very, very blessed I feel to have you in my life.

Right now, the future seems so bleak, so unsure, so scary. Yet in the midst of all of the tragedy and pain and sadness, you are the one thing in the future that I am looking forward to.

I cannot express to you how unbelievably excited I am to meet you in less than three months. I can't wait to hold you. I can't wait to kiss your hands, your nose, your forehead. I can't wait to caress your head...and I wonder if there'll be any hair up there to play with. I can't wait to look into your face. I can't wait to rock you to sleep. I just can't wait.

And so, as I hold on to the hope that your nearing arrival brings me, I can't help but think of Great Big Sea's song "Something Beautiful" - it so perfectly explains how I'm feeling about life right now:

"Hey you, you lost your only friend

You can't believe your broken heart will ever mend

But every mountain has its faces

That'd make you want to stop

On this so unwelcome journey

From the bottom to the top

You've got to

Move along

I believe there's something beautiful to see

Move along

I believe there's something beautiful

Move along

I believe there's something beautiful

Just waiting for you and me

I know

You'll never count the tears you've cried

Though you've asked a million questions

No one could tell you why

A single soul is chosen to be the one put to the test

But there will be some consolation for a heart that never rests

You've got to

Move along

I believe there's something beautiful to see

Move along

I believe there's something beautiful

Move along

I believe there's something beautiful

The years will make us older

The winters make us colder

And there's one more thing I've come to know for sure

There's no bitterness that smolders, no chip on any shoulder

That a random act of kindness couldn't cure

Hey you, you lost your only friend

You can't believe your broken heart will ever mend

But every mountain has its faces

That'd make you want to stop

On this never-ending journey

From the bottom to the top

You've got to

Move along

Move along

I believe there's something beautiful to see

Move along

I believe there's something beautiful

Move along

I believe there's something beautiful

I believe there's something beautiful

Just waiting for you and me"

I especially love the second verse:

"I know

You'll never count the tears you've cried

Though you've asked a million questions

No one could tell you why

A single soul is chosen to be the one put to the test

But there will be some consolation for a heart that never rests"

That's how I feel right now. Right now, Little Boy, I have reached one of those faces on this mountain of life that makes me want to stop. I've cried countless tears, and I have so many "why" questions that no one can answer for me this side of heaven. I don't know why I'm one of those "single souls" that has been chosen to be tested so many times in so many ways. But I'm holding on to the hope that "there will be some consolation for the heart that never rests."

So I'm not going to rest, Baby. I'm not going to give up. I'm going to continue to move along.

Because if there's one thing I've learned throughout my life, it's the really difficult times in life that make the beautiful, joyous times all the sweeter. And it's those times in life when you are able to lean back, relax, and realize that everything in your life is absolutely perfect, if only for a moment, that make the struggles worthwhile. It is worth going through valleys to make it to the mountain peaks. And I say that from experience.

So, even in this very, very difficult time in my life, I am holding my head up and moving along. Because I do believe that there will be "something beautiful" to see. In fact, I know that there will be "something beautiful" to see...you. And if there are any other additional "something beautiful"s to see, well, then that's just icing on the cake. But you, sweet little boy, - just being your mom, getting to carry you, and looking forward to meeting you in three months - are enough of a "something beautiful" for me to know that this journey will be worth it in the end.

I love you more than I can say.

Thank you for being my "something beautiful" to look forward to in the midst of the storm and for showing up just when I needed you most.

All My Love,

Mom