Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Trust & Hope

Hi Baby,

Sometimes it is really hard to trust God, Baby. Sometimes you're at such a difficult place that, no matter what your moral standards about language usage may be, you honestly cannot stop yourself from letting out a, "What the f*** is going on?!?" or "How the f*** did this happen?!?" I sincerely hope that you never find yourself in a situation that makes it impossible for you to stop yourself from using such strong language. But, since we do live in a very fallen world, unfortunately, I think you will probably understand what I mean and where I'm coming from someday when you're much older. And those times, - the ones that absolutely require you to drop the f-bomb throughout the day...and where you don't even feel guilty about using that kind of language afterwards because that's how messed up everything is - those are the times when it is really hard to trust God and to have any hope that things could ever be better.

Believe me.

I know.

From experience.

But you know what else I know from experience?

I know that even in the worst possible circumstances, God is still faithful. Now I'm not always able to accept that to be true quite that easily when my world is crashing down around me. But that doesn't change the fact that I know it to be true. We may never understand why God allows bad things to happen to us this side of heaven. But I can guarantee you that if we remain faithful here on earth, once we make it to those pearly gates, it will all make sense. We will be able to see the good that came out of our suffering. And sometimes, if we're truly lucky, God will even reveal some of that good to us right here while we're on earth. I've actually been blessed enough to be able to see good come out of almost all of the really sad circumstances I've faced in my life. And maybe God revealed some of those things to me on purpose, knowing that I would need to have that physical proof to look back on to continue to trust him in my current circumstances.

Nonetheless, even though I know that God is still faithful, it doesn't make things any easier.

Or maybe it does.

I honestly can't say for sure, because I've never had to be in very difficult circumstances without the knowledge that God would remain faithful to me. I've never not had that hope to cling to.

And yet, like I said, even with this knowledge, it doesn't always make me feel better. Sometimes I just want God to make it all stop. I just want him to save me from my circumstances. And I get incredibly, raging angry that he doesn't.

And then, when I've told people that, as I put it, "God and I aren't on speaking terms right now," so many people scold me. "Don't take it out on God. Don't be angry at him. He didn't make this happen. He isn't to blame. You need to trust him." And honestly, hearing those things only makes me feel worse. Like I'm failing somehow by being honest about my feelings. But you know what? I'd rather be honest about being angry at God than pretend that God and I are skipping through a field of roses together because what God wants most is my heart. He doesn't want my masks or my fake smiles or my Christianese. He wants my heart. So when, in my heart, I am furious at God, I'd rather show him that than a bunch of smiles and positive attitudes that are total bologna. And in the end, God can handle my anger. He's not going to throw in the towel. He's not going to be angry with me. He's not going to take off and run away. Hence, God is FAITHFUL, no matter what the circumstances.

All this to say, Baby, that I'm mad at God right now. And that's okay. And you will have days in your life...or maybe even weeks or months...where you are mad at God. And it will be okay then, too.

Because your anger does not negate his faithfulness. Praise God for that! Otherwise, we'd all be screwed (pardon my French).

You may ask where all of this talk of God's faithfulness is coming from, since I haven't really been talking much about God lately (due to the aforementioned anger). Well, the other night, on my way to my friends' house (thanks for having me over!), I was listening to Kristene Mueller, and two of her songs just jumped out at me. The lyrics were so beautiful, so simple, so true, and so exactly what I needed to hear exactly when I needed to hear it. And those lyrics gave me hope and renewed in me a sense of God's faithfulness, because those songs reminded me that even in the darkest circumstances, God is still faithful (as he has proven to me time and again) and that no situation is too far gone for him to redeem.

For both of the songs, I would highly recommend looking them up and listening to them beyond just reading the lyrics, but nonetheless, here they are. I have italicized the lyrics that are most meaningful to me right now. Both songs are from the "Those Who Dream," and they happen to be the first two songs on the cd.

The first song is called Trust:

"It's the sweetest thing
To trust You
Just to know
You've got everything
Under control

It's the sweetest thing
To trust You
Just to know
You've got everything

And You are making me a mountain
Making me a mountain
That cannot be shaken
Oh You are making me a mountain
Making me a mountain
That cannot be moved

High up
On the rock
Looking out at the horizon
Watching as the storm rolls in
Wondering if my heart will survive it
As the waves crash all around me
And I can't remember what it feels like to be free

I know you're making me a mountain
Making me a mountain
That cannot be shaken
Oh You are making me a mountain
Making me a mountain
That cannot be moved

You say, "I've got you, My Baby.
Oh, I've got you.
It's quite the mess you're in
But it's nothing love can't fix
So sit here upon my shoulders
And watch as it all unwinds."

You are making me a mountain
Making me a mountain
That cannot be shaken
I know You're making me a mountain
Making me a mountain
That cannot be moved

I know You're making me a mountain
Making me a mountain
That cannot be shaken
You are making me a mountain
Making me a mountain
That cannot be moved."

So, Baby, just remember that God's always got your back. He can fix even the worst of circumstances, and through those circumstances, he can make you a mountain that cannot be shaken...so maybe when the next storm rolls in, it won't look quite so intimidating after all.

The other song is called Redemption:

"The darker the night, the brighter the day
The fiercer the fight, the stronger the faith
So I place my hope in You

The deeper the sin, the stronger the blood
The more to forgive, the more reason to love
So I place my trust in You

In Your ways, oh God,
Redemption is so much better than perfection
In your ways, oh God

Over and over
You prove Yourself faithful
Over and over
You prove Yourself a Redeemer

The darker the night, the brighter the day
The fiercer the fight, the stronger the faith
So I place my hope in You

In Your ways, oh God,
Redemption is so much better than perfection
In Your ways, oh God,
Redemption is so much better than perfection
In Your ways, oh God

Over and over, You prove Yourself faithful
Over and over, You prove Yourself a Redeemer

In Your ways I have
Redemption so much better than perfection
So I place all my hope in You

Over and over
Over and over
Over and over, You prove yourself faithful
Over and over
Over and over
Over and over, You prove yourself a redeemer

The darker the night, the brighter the day
The fiercer the fight, the stronger the faith
The deeper the sin, the stronger the blood
The more to forgive, the more reason to love"

All this to say, Baby, that I truly hope that you will come to know and believe that God is faithful always, that he will always redeem your circumstances, and that he will never, ever leave you or forget about you. Even when it doesn't feel like he is there or like he cares, he is there and he loves you more than anyone ever could. And that says a lot coming from me, because I can't imagine anyone loving you more than I do, but God's love for you is deeper than mine could ever be. It's incredible, really.

All My Love,

Mom

1 comment:

  1. Those are quite powerful songs, Friend. Looking them up now.

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