Hi Baby Boy,
It's been a very difficult week...again.
There were lots of very sad things that happened this week.
This Wednesday was a horrible, horrible day. The worst of my life. It was bad for a lot of reasons, but then, on top of everything else, I had a scare with you.
On Wednesday afternoon, after one of those "very sad things" happened, I was crying...sobbing, really. I have never, ever cried that hard in my life. I literally lost control of my body and was unable to stop myself. I was hyperventilating and letting out these deep, wracking sobs that started at the core of my being and rocked my entire body. I've never experienced anything like it. And I couldn't stop myself for about an hour.
I was trying so hard to stop myself, Little One, because I know that it's not good for you when I get stressed or upset, but like I said, I literally had no control of my body or emotions.
Luckily, a former L&D nurse was nearby, and she took care of me. While I cried, she rubbed my stomach and talked softly to you, and after a while, she was finally able to get me to calm down.
But when I did, my stomach felt...different.
I don't know how to describe it.
It was just different...in an ominous way.
My entire abdomen felt really tight, and I started getting some sharp, shooting pains between my belly button and pelvis.
And it took every fiber of my being to not panic...especially since you were hardly moving.
Your movements are normally quite forceful, quite strong. But your movements that afternoon after I stopped crying were so weak and slow. I was absolutely sure that I had hurt you.
The L&D nurse had my lay down, and she examined my stomach. She was able to determine that I wasn't having contractions, and the pain was just from my muscles beginning to loosen as I calmed down, as they had tensed up quite a bit when I was crying.
She made me feel a little better, but I really didn't fully find comfort until I felt you move with your normal force later that evening.
And I can't tell you how very, very relieved I was. I was so afraid I had injured you, or worse. For a moment, I honestly thought that I may have killed you. Praise God that you're still okay! In fact, as I type this, you're beginning to perform your normal nightly acrobatics. Something I look forward to every single day, as it assures me that all is well in uterus-land.
Anyway, the point of all of this is to tell you how very, very blessed I feel to have you in my life.
Right now, the future seems so bleak, so unsure, so scary. Yet in the midst of all of the tragedy and pain and sadness, you are the one thing in the future that I am looking forward to.
I cannot express to you how unbelievably excited I am to meet you in less than three months. I can't wait to hold you. I can't wait to kiss your hands, your nose, your forehead. I can't wait to caress your head...and I wonder if there'll be any hair up there to play with. I can't wait to look into your face. I can't wait to rock you to sleep. I just can't wait.
And so, as I hold on to the hope that your nearing arrival brings me, I can't help but think of Great Big Sea's song "Something Beautiful" - it so perfectly explains how I'm feeling about life right now:
You can't believe your broken heart will ever mend
But every mountain has its faces
That'd make you want to stop
On this so unwelcome journey
From the bottom to the top
You've got to
Move along
I believe there's something beautiful to see
Move along
I believe there's something beautiful
Move along
I believe there's something beautiful
Just waiting for you and me
I know
You'll never count the tears you've cried
Though you've asked a million questions
No one could tell you why
A single soul is chosen to be the one put to the test
But there will be some consolation for a heart that never rests
You've got to
Move along
I believe there's something beautiful to see
Move along
I believe there's something beautiful
Move along
I believe there's something beautiful
The years will make us older
The winters make us colder
And there's one more thing I've come to know for sure
There's no bitterness that smolders, no chip on any shoulder
That a random act of kindness couldn't cure
Hey you, you lost your only friend
You can't believe your broken heart will ever mend
But every mountain has its faces
That'd make you want to stop
On this never-ending journey
From the bottom to the top
You've got to
Move along
Move along
I believe there's something beautiful to see
Move along
I believe there's something beautiful
Move along
I believe there's something beautiful
I believe there's something beautiful
Just waiting for you and me"
I especially love the second verse:
"I know
You'll never count the tears you've cried
Though you've asked a million questions
No one could tell you why
A single soul is chosen to be the one put to the test
But there will be some consolation for a heart that never rests"
That's how I feel right now. Right now, Little Boy, I have reached one of those faces on this mountain of life that makes me want to stop. I've cried countless tears, and I have so many "why" questions that no one can answer for me this side of heaven. I don't know why I'm one of those "single souls" that has been chosen to be tested so many times in so many ways. But I'm holding on to the hope that "there will be some consolation for the heart that never rests."
So I'm not going to rest, Baby. I'm not going to give up. I'm going to continue to move along.
Because if there's one thing I've learned throughout my life, it's the really difficult times in life that make the beautiful, joyous times all the sweeter. And it's those times in life when you are able to lean back, relax, and realize that everything in your life is absolutely perfect, if only for a moment, that make the struggles worthwhile. It is worth going through valleys to make it to the mountain peaks. And I say that from experience.
So, even in this very, very difficult time in my life, I am holding my head up and moving along. Because I do believe that there will be "something beautiful" to see. In fact, I know that there will be "something beautiful" to see...you. And if there are any other additional "something beautiful"s to see, well, then that's just icing on the cake. But you, sweet little boy, - just being your mom, getting to carry you, and looking forward to meeting you in three months - are enough of a "something beautiful" for me to know that this journey will be worth it in the end.
I love you more than I can say.
Thank you for being my "something beautiful" to look forward to in the midst of the storm and for showing up just when I needed you most.
All My Love,
Mom
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