I have a lot of difficult decisions to make these days. And for someone who's already indecisive to begin with (even in small decisions, like which restaurant to go to for dinner), these big, life-altering, world-changing decisions are almost impossible.
In some ways, I'm far too cognitive for my own good.
I go over all of the options again and again and again.
I go over all of the possible outcomes again and again and again.
I think through every single possibility and all of its ramifications again and again and again.
And then I start all over again.
Even if I can narrow it down to two or three options, I will waffle between those options for days or weeks or even months.
Because I am so very aware of all of the possible negative outcomes of my decisions.
Because of my aforementioned cognitive nature.
In some ways, I must think that I can control the world, and if I only make the right decision, everything will be fine. I guess maybe I forget that there are other people out there who have just as much free will as me, and just as much ability to affect the outcome of my decision as I do.
But that doesn't change the fact that I take my decisions so, so seriously.
I really come to the point with big decisions like the ones I'm facing right now where I am literally consumed by the options. I just obsess over every minute detail for hours and hours and hours every single day, until I make my final decision.
And now, with you in the picture, these decisions are even more crucial to me. I have even more of a desire to make the right choice. Because my decisions these days not only affect me, but they affect you. I could not only really mess up my life, but I could mess up yours. And that knowledge is more terrifying and sobering than I can possibly explain.
All this to say that I just want you to know that I will never take any decision that affects you lightly.
I need you to know, Baby, that everything I do is for you. Everything.
Even when it may seem like I made the wrong choice, - even when you aren't happy with the decisions I make - you need to know that I made that choice because in my heart of hearts I thought it was best for you. And I want nothing but the very best for you. I want to make your life as perfect as I can. I want you to have everything. I would give you the world if I could. I truly mean that, Baby, from the very depths of my soul.
So please forgive me, Son, if sometimes I don't make the right decision. Please forgive me if someday many years down the road, you look back and realize that you wish I would have done it differently. Please forgive me if, when you look back over your life, you come to the conclusion that some of my choices weren't the best. And please give me the benefit of the doubt, knowing that even when the outcome doesn't turn out as well as I'd hoped or expected, even when it seems like I didn't take you or your feelings into consideration, even when you think I should have gone about things differently, every single decision I made was made with the belief that my choice was in your best interest. Every single decision was made with the intention of doing right by you. Every single decision was made with the intention of making your life the best it could possibly be.
Please, please forgive me, Sweet Boy, if I don't do everything right...when I don't do everything right. And please know that I have only your very best interest at heart.
I'm so sorry that I can't make your life perfect. I'm so sorry that I can't protect you from the hard, hurtful things that happen in this world. I'm so sorry that I can't be perfect for you. I'm so, so sorry.
Please forgive me.
And please know, Baby, that I do love you more than I can say, that I do want the very best for you, and that for the rest of my life, I will fight for you. I will fight for you to have the very best that the world has to offer. I will fight for you to have the very best childhood that you can. I will fight for you to have a life full of opportunity. I will fight for you to grow up in the safest, most secure, stablest, happiest, healthiest environment possible.
I will fight for you.
I am fighting for you.
I love you so, so much.